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Now Hitting Third: Frank Enstein

Sure it was just five games this week, but it was a complete and utter mess. Little clutch hitting and hardly any extra-base hits is no way to win baseball games. Throw in some physical and mental errors and here you are.

With all of this in mind, we here at The Cub Factor think that the one big thing the Cubs need is that legit 3rd-place hitter. It just does not exist on the roster, but what if we were able to make one from the talents on the team they currently have? Like a player named Frank Enstein.

We here at The Cub Factor have given this a little thought. This is what we would like to see in our 3rd-place hitter:

* The batting eye of Kosuke Fukudome - in April.

* Koyie Hill's ability to switch-hit with equal skill as a lefty and a righty - except being good from both sides instead of bad.

* The ability to abuse left-handed pitching like Jeff Baker - but with a more interesting name like Darwin Barney.

* The ability to hit seeing-eye singles like Darwin Barney - but who plays a different position than Jeff Baker.

* The "play like this is the last time you will ever play baseball and if you don't hustle your kids will be killed"-ness of Reed Johnson - instilled in the younger body of Tyler Colvin.

* The "legal" supplements of Marlon Byrd - but get the ones that work.

* The hair of Jeff Samardzija - you want a signature look.

* The intimidating thighs of third-base coach Ivan DeJesus. The guy could squat a Buick.

* The shift of Carlos Pena - with the willingness to beat it.

* The salary of Marcus Mateo.

The Week in Review: The Cubs went 2-3 for the week, losing two of three to the hated Cardinals and splitting the two games they were able to play with the Giants. The game Sunday was rain/colded out. My guess that it will not be rescheduled as it will not matter in the standings for either team.

The Week in Preview: The Cubs travel to Cincinnati for two games, Florida for two games, and then Boston for three games. If the Cubs had a shot at this, fans might get a little ticked about this ridiculous travel schedule. But as it is, it really doesn't matter too much, does it?

The Second Basemen Report: Darwin Barney started all five games this week at second base and got back to what he does best: Hitting a bunch of singles and getting no walks. A .333 average is pretty sweet but a .355 OBP kinda stinks - especially when you are batting .333. Just like Jim Hendry drew it up.

In former second basemen news, Ex-Cub Best Known For Not Being A Cub Anymore Mark DeRosa was back at the Friendly Confines this week with the Giants. Mark has six hits in 15 games this season but he is always really, really missed..

The Zam Bomb: Big Z stays at Apologetic this week as even the Cubs blowing a game he should have won didn't phase the big guy. We think he is finally cured - which by saying that is kinda like telling a pitcher he has a no-hitter and jinxing him. This season isn't going anywhere, we need some fireworks already.

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Marlon Byrd Supplemental Report: Conte gave Marlon some pills labeled "third-place hitter" a few times this week but they were actually placebos.

Lost in Translation: Mucho stinkio Tradeio bate is Japanese for Aramis Ramirez could not be traded right now for a bucket of baseballs.

Endorsement No-Brainer: The Cubs for Blackjack's Gentlemen's Club, because they always got a ton of singles.

Sweet and Sour Quade: 89% sweet,11% sour. Mike stands pat this week because he knows what he is dealing with but is still trying. And just like your smart, well-adjusted uncle, Mike is making lemonade out of lemons for the family reunion this week and he knows his lemonade is a little tart because his lemon tree gives him tart lemons. But times are tough and this is all he can afford right now; if you want the real good stuff go buy a Snapple and leave him alone.

Ameritrade Stock Pick of the Week: Tipsters suggest investing in the secondary car market this week because Casey Coleman can really sell a used car, and that is where he will be soon.

Over/Under: The number of quality starts the Cubs will get out of Doug Davis this year (even after his first great start): +/- 1.5.

Beachwood Sabermetrics: A complex algorithm performed by The Cub Factor staff using all historical data made available by Major League Baseball has determined that that was the best start you were ever going to get out of Doug Davis and you still lost.

The Cub Factor: Unlike Soriano, you can catch 'em all!

The White Sox Report: Know the enemy.

Get Your Gangler On: Follow Marty on Twitter.

Note For Readers Used To Seeing The Mount Lou Alert System Here: When manager Mike Quade shows any signs of, well, really anything abnormal, we will be all over it with some kind of graph or pictorial depiction of whatever it is, but until this guy shows something besides just being a normal, thoughtful, intelligent guy, we got next to nothing on him. We are hoping he shows something and kinda hoping he doesn't also, know what I mean? BUT HE IS GETTING CLOSER . . .

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