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No, Cubs, Baseball Is Better When . . .

"To me, baseball is better with tradition, baseball is better with history, baseball is better with fans who care, baseball is better in ballparks like this, baseball is better during the day. And baseball is, best of all, when you win," Theo Epstein said the day he was announced as the team's new president.

A marketing slogan was born.

But Theo only got it partly right. We'll fill in the rest of the picture.

* Baseball is better when your flat beer doesn't cost $8 a cup.

* Baseball is better when you're left fielder doesn't hop.

* (To the Sox: Baseball is better when pitchers don't take the bump, infielders don't glove two-hopper, double-choppers, and outfielders don't catch cans of corn.)

* Baseball is better for everyone except Yankees fans when Jim Hendry works for the Yankees.

* Baseball is better when you no longer have wood.

* Baseball is better with facial hair.

* Baseball is better with religion.

* Baseball is better when bleacher bums are really bums.

* Baseball is better than this stupid generic marketing slogan.

* Baseball is better when you don't scalp your own tickets.

* Baseball is better when you don't have to urinate in a trough.

* Baseball is better when it's not gentrified.

* Baseball is better with Afros.

* Baseball is better with folk heroes.

* Baseball is better when one of your owners isn't a lying boob.

* Baseball is better when everyone can afford to go see it.

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Contributing: Thomas Chambers, Marty Gangler, Jim Coffman, Steve Rhodes.

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Comments welcome.

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