Meet the Hawkies!

"I have pages of ideas that Rocky hasn't seen yet."
- Ace Cubs marketer John McDonough upon being hired by new Blackhawks chairman Rocky Wirtz

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To sound more adorable, the team will now be known as the Hawkies.

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Ivy painted on the boards.

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Team opens different United Center doors from game to game to for "the puck is blowing out/in" effect.

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Midgets hired to work in new antiquated scoreboard.

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Season tickets comped to Jim Belushi.

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Steve Goodman's little-known "Go Hawks Go!" resurrected.

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New chant: "Left wing sucks!" "Right wing sucks!"

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Discovery of curse put on franchise when an actual Blackhawk Indian was refused admission to a game.

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Scouts?

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Celebrity Zamboni drivers.

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New business created to "scalp" premium Blackhawk tickets.

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All ushers must now be over 70.

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Ron Santo annually refused admission to Hockey Hall of Fame.

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Home games will not only be televised, they'll be played in Chicago Park District rinks. Call to schedule a game in your neighborhood.

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George Ryan will serve out remainder of prison term in a secure United Center skybox.

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Michael Barrett Bobblehead Night!

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New right wing: Sammy Sosa.