Sports

Marlon Byrd vs. Robert Byrd

By Scott Buckner

Compare and contrast.

Marlon: All-Star.
Robert: Dead star.

Robert: Was old as dirt.
Marlon: Gets uniform dirty.

Robert: Played in Washington as a senator.
Marlon: Played in Washington as a National, who were preceded by the Senators.

Marlon: Makes his living fielding baseballs.
Robert: Made his living busting balls.

Robert: Powerful member of a collection of people nobody respects much.
Marlon: Powerful member of a collection of people nobody respects much.

Marlon: 2010 a great season so far.
Robert: 2010 his worst season ever.

Robert: Joined the Ku Klux Klan to play with angry white guys.
Marlon: Joined the Cubs to play with an angry Venezuelan.

Robert: Stated that joining the Klan was "the greatest mistake I ever made."
Marlon: Give him time.

Robert: Was old enough to know Andrew Jackson's brother.
Marlon: Shares first name of a Jackson 5 brother.

Marlon: Once swung a bat against the hated New York Yankees.
Robert: Once fired a musket at hated Yankees in the Civil War.

Robert: Served time in Washington as a Senate Minority Leader.
Marlon: Served time in Washington, which is like the minors.

Robert: Never lost an election in his life.
Marlon: Plays for a team that never won a World Series during Robert Byrd's life.

Robert: Supported presidents that most people didn't like much.
Marlon: Works for club ownership that most people still don't like much.

Robert: Born Cornelius Calvin Sale, Jr.
Marlon: Bought on sale from the Texas Rangers.

Robert: Overshadowed by few.
Marlon: Overshadowed by a huge-ass Toyota sign.

Robert: "Asshole politician."
Marlon: Replaced asshole outfielder.

Marlon: Played for Texas.
Robert: Voted to make Texas a state.

Robert: Formerly segregational.
Marlon: Currently sensational.

Robert: Died of complications from heat stroke and dehydration.
Marlon: Plays in dehydrating Chicago heat despite complicated management full of strokes.

Robert: Once worked as a gas station attendant.
Marlon: Works for gasbags.

Robert: Ally of Lyndon Johnson.
Marlon: Probably has a big johnson.

Marlon: Wears Cubbie blue.
Robert: Turned blue.

Robert: Cast more votes than any U.S. senator in history.
Marlon: Plays for the most hapless team in Major League history.

Robert: Served on the United States Senate Armed Services Subcommittee on Emerging Threats and Capabilities.
Marlon: A bit beyond being an emerging, capable threat.

Robert: Filibustered the Civil Rights Act of 1964.
Marlon: Knows a thing or two about busting Phillies.

Robert: Denounced dog fighting as a "brutal, sadistic event."
Marlon: Cubs games often brutal, sadistic events.

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