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Lou's To-Do List

After the tremendous pounding that the Cubs took after Saturday's game - when they lost 12-0 - good ol' Uncle Lou said "we've tried everything" No they haven't. We here at the Cub Factor have a few additional suggestions for Lou:

* Fire yourself. You can say it's for health reasons.

* Listen to Steve Stone from the get-go; if you did, Tyler Colvin would have been starting long ago, Carlos Zambrano never would have been sent to the bullpen, and Andrew Cashner would have broken camp in the Cubs bullpen, among other things.

* Stop demoting .300 hitters to make room for rookies brought in from the minors; that's what you did to Ryan Theriot and Mike Fontenot. Now second base is a mess.

* Stop using pitchers as pinch-hitters. It's not cute anymore.

* Move your veterans out of the middle of the lineup when they go into prolonged slumps. If their feelings are hurt, send them to the club psychiatrist.

* Stop acting like a damn dummy or you'll be one.

* Make the players do shots of Moises Alou's urine every time they commit an error. There's still a case of it in Storage Room B.

* Fire Jim Hendry. You can always make it look like an accident.

Week in Review: The Cubs went 3-3, winning two of three from the A's and losing two of three to the Angels, which has a certain symmetry given that they are now 18-18 at Wrigley (13-20 away).

Week in Preview: The Cubs travel to Seattle for three games and reacquiant themselves with old friend Milton Bradley. And then they play against that other team in Chicago to settle the BP Cup once and for all!

The Second Basemen Report: Like all of the 2010 season, week after week has been a huge disappointment on the second base front. Mike Fontenot got one start and Ryan Theriot got the other five. Even The Second Basemen Report this week is a disappointment. Just like Jim Hendry drew it up.

In former second basemen news, Mickey Morandini is the head high school baseball coach for Valparaiso High School in Indiana and he still owns that stationery store with his wife. He is missed.

The Zam Bomb: Big Z needs to be angrier; this season is shot so he might as well get a blow up or two in. He is still just getting angry right now.

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Lost in Translation: No-no hittee + no-no glovie = no-no workie is Japanese for the Cubs' 2010 season.

Endorsement No-Brainer: Derrek Lee for burnt dinner because it's too late.

Sweet and Sour Lou: 31% sweet, 69% sour. Lou stands pat this week due to not giving a rat's ass. And just like your real crazy drunk uncle, Lou is done yelling at you kids for holding those roman candles in your hand when you blow them off. Even though it'll be his ass in a sling if you blow your hand off he just isn't going to do anything about it. He doesn't care.

Ameritrade Stock Pick of the Week: Shares of Leather traded up this week as demand soared on the North Side of Chicago.

Over/Under: The number of meals current Cub players will have with former teammate Milton Bradley this week: +/- .5

Beachwood Sabermetrics: A complex algorithm performed by the The Cub Factor staff using all historical data made available by Major League Baseball has determined that Bears season cannot get here quick enough.

Agony & Ivy: It's a way of life.

The Cub Factor: Unlike Soriano, you can catch 'em all!

The White Sox Report: Now with a weekly Cubs Snub.

Fantasy Fix: It's Good To Be Vlad

The Mount Lou Alert System: Stays at yellow as outside forces seem to do nothing to stir the inner core of anger magma in Mount Lou. Expect cute furry creatures to return to the surface of Mount Lou as this once active force turns inactive and cold.

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