Beachwood Sports ArchiveA monthly look back
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The Bears: Only 16 impact players away.
The Bears forgot one of the tenets of football and life in general: Always do things whole-assed.
Mouse, house, box, Fox.
You want to get to the playoffs, you gotta go through Disappointment City.
If you're rooting for a top pick in the 2017 draft, this is your Super Bowl.
A metric fuck-ton of bad luck and poor decision-making has created gaping roster holes.
Next time, try performance-enhancing hypnotherapy, Alshon.
Despite their best efforts, the Bears aren't dead.
Do whatever feels right - as long as whatever you're drinking is strong because this game has very little intrigue as a standalone product.
What if I told you . . .
Ah, doin' it with the ex. Feels icky at first, but they know what you like.
Another week, another effort that was half passable and half ass-able.
Well, Jason Heyward had a nice homer in the eighth.
Another three hours of my life wasted you worthless (gurgling noise) . . . you're just like your goddam mother!
It's been eight long months and the only thing left on Earth that can hold people's attention for seven hours at a time has returned to television!
Including the Technical Koolies!
It's gonna take a whole hell of a lot of something alcoholic - or something with a whole lot of nudity - to keep me to seated in front of this game for three hours.
Those Smokin' Jay memes aren't gonna Photoshop themselves.
I guess the takeaway is that I equate the Washington Redskins to a woman screaming something vile in a black guy's face mid-coitus.
The credible threat San Francisco brings to the table is essentially that every member of the 53-man roster will be angry that they play for the 49ers.
Things have changed.
When asked about the key to his run of consistent play, Cutler just responded "been listening to a lot of early Danzig" before putting out a cigarette on his wrist and exiting a press conference.
"But Carl," you say . . .
For the first time in over a year, Chicago will have to figure out a way to contain Adrian Peterson as well as the NFL did.
Boy that's a crappy looking team they got over there in the mitten.
Hurry up with the damn croissants.
Congratulations on your exciting day of yardwork, tax prep, abortion, or any of the other activities more entertaining than watching the Bears.
Daughter an instant punchline.
I don't know what you call that drink, but a bottle of Bacardi and a gallon of Arizona Iced Tea costs a total of $14 at the Walgreens by my house, so I'll just call the savings "delicious."
The virus doesn't care how much you want to watch a game. Plus: Other Sports Are Also Back Pending Death; Pandemic Baseball Sucks; Hub Bubs; Hall Of Fame Hossa; The Mystery Of Mitch's Motivation; Choking On Chalk; and It Was Unmistakably A Noose.Continue reading "The Beachwood Radio Sports Hour #310: Baseball Is Back! (But Is It Really?)" »
Posted on Jun 26, 2020
Walls are falling. Plus: Rob Manfred Is A Cop; Wet Hot American Long Gone Summer; Bubble Life; Better At It Than Baseball; and Belmont Betting.Continue reading "The Beachwood Radio Sports Hour #309: Life In The Fast Lane" »
Posted on Jun 19, 2020
A moment when everything seems possible. Plus: MLB Draft's Dizzying Heights Of Hype; We Blame The (Lying) Owners; The Neverending Sammy Sosa Saga; and NBA & NHL Flux.Continue reading "The Beachwood Radio Sports Hour #308: We're All NASCAR Now" »
Posted on Jun 12, 2020