The Bears: Only 16 impact players away.
Posted on Dec 28, 2016
Keywords: Calvin Thomas, Cameron Meredith, Cody Whitehair, Craig Krenzel, Jay Cutler, John Fox, Jordan Howard, Kingsford Charcoal, Leonard Floyd, Ryan Pace, Sade, Westworld, Zangeif
The Bears forgot one of the tenets of football and life in general: Always do things whole-assed.
Posted on Dec 22, 2016
Keywords: Cre'Von LeBlanc, Dowell Loggains, John Fox, Vic Fangio, Voltron
Mouse, house, box, Fox.
Posted on Dec 15, 2016
Keywords: Aaron Rodgers, Al Franken, Alshon Jeffery, Cialis, Cre'Von LeBlanc, Davante Quincy Adams, Demontre Hurst, Dowell Loggains, Jim Bob Cooter, Jordan Howard, Matt Barkley, Porn Hub, Predator, Tater Tachos, Tawny Kitaen
You want to get to the playoffs, you gotta go through Disappointment City.
Posted on Dec 8, 2016
Keywords: Bill Simmons, Bryce Callahan, Josh Bellamy, Matthew Stafford, Orson Friggin' Welles, Pooh Beer
If you're rooting for a top pick in the 2017 draft, this is your Super Bowl.
Posted on Nov 30, 2016
Keywords: Colin Kaepernick, Connor Shaw, Craisins, David Fales, Dick Wolf, Matt Barkley, Oregon, Ryan Pace
A metric fuck-ton of bad luck and poor decision-making has created gaping roster holes.
Posted on Nov 23, 2016
Keywords: Alshon Jeffery, Bobby Massie, DeMarco Murray, Jay Cutler, Jerrell Freeman, John Fox, Jordan Howard, Josh Sitton, Kerry Collins, Kyle Fuller, Kyle Long, Leonard Floyd, Marcus Mariota, Matt Barkley, Robbie Gould, Zach Miller
Next time, try performance-enhancing hypnotherapy, Alshon.
Posted on Nov 17, 2016
Keywords: Fail Horn
Despite their best efforts, the Bears aren't dead.
Posted on Nov 9, 2016
Keywords: Connor Barth, Dirk Koetter, Jackhammer, Jay Cutler, John Podesta, Jordan Howard, Mike Adams, Pierre, Putin
Do whatever feels right - as long as whatever you're drinking is strong because this game has very little intrigue as a standalone product.
Posted on Oct 26, 2016
Keywords: Brian Hoyer, Elvira, Exceptional D, Gladiator, Jay Cutler, John Fox, Matt Barkley
What if I told you . . .
Posted on Oct 20, 2016
Keywords: Aaron Rodgers, Alshon Jeffery, Arrelious Benn, Avril Lavigne, Brian Boyer, Cameron Meredith, Connor Barth, Eddie Lacy, Gorton's Fisherman, Greg Hennings, Hunter Hillenmyer, Tracy Porter, Willie Young
Ah, doin' it with the ex. Feels icky at first, but they know what you like.
Posted on Oct 13, 2016
Keywords: Adam Gase, Allen Robinson, Blake Bortles, Brian Hoyer, Cameron Meredith, Connor Barth, Crocodile Dundee, Jay Cutler, Jordan Howard, Marc Trestman, Paxton Lynch, Peter Dinklage, Rocky Mountain Oysters, Totino's Pizza Rolls, Trevor Siemian, Western Kentucky University, Willie Young
Another week, another effort that was half passable and half ass-able.
Posted on Sep 29, 2016
Keywords: Brazzers, Chris Pratt, Jacoby Glenn, Jennifer Lawrence, Jordan Howard, Matthew Stafford, Mrs. The Author, Passengers, Rice Boner, Tighthead Brewing, Wicked Pictures, Zach Miller
Well, Jason Heyward had a nice homer in the eighth.
Posted on Sep 22, 2016
Keywords: Jason Heyward, John Fox, Stephen "Ol' Fuckface" McGee, The National Gourd Association
Another three hours of my life wasted you worthless (gurgling noise) . . . you're just like your goddam mother!
Posted on Sep 15, 2016
Keywords: Connor Barth, Don Henley, Dowell Loggains, Flight of the Conchords, Kevin White, Sam Bradford, Swoop
It's been eight long months and the only thing left on Earth that can hold people's attention for seven hours at a time has returned to television!
Posted on Sep 8, 2016
Keywords: Binny's Beverage Depot, Cre'Von LeBlanc, Deonte Thompson, Ego Ferguson, J.J. Watt, Kevin VanDam, Khari Lee
Including the Technical Koolies!
Posted on Dec 30, 2015
Keywords: Chris Prosinski, David Fales, Eddie George, Hub Arkush, Ikea, Kristin Cavallari, Moses Malone, Smokin' Jay Cutler
It's gonna take a whole hell of a lot of something alcoholic - or something with a whole lot of nudity - to keep me to seated in front of this game for three hours.
Posted on Dec 24, 2015
Keywords: John Timu, Kyle Orton, Lovie Smith, Mr. Bubble, Muscle Hamster, Necco Wafers, Patrick Mannelly, Ron Turner, Virginia McCaskey
Those Smokin' Jay memes aren't gonna Photoshop themselves.
Posted on Dec 17, 2015
Keywords: Pants Boner, Smokin' Jay, Socket Job
I guess the takeaway is that I equate the Washington Redskins to a woman screaming something vile in a black guy's face mid-coitus.
Posted on Dec 10, 2015
Keywords: Bounce House, Mlller Lite, Steel Panther, Tracy Porter's Shovel
The credible threat San Francisco brings to the table is essentially that every member of the 53-man roster will be angry that they play for the 49ers.
Posted on Dec 3, 2015
Keywords: Fistmas, Hitachi, Maury Buford
Things have changed.
Posted on Nov 25, 2015
Keywords: Aaron Rodgers, Brett Favre, Christian Bale, Donald Trump, Jay Cutler, Jerzy Kosinski, Jimmy Clausen, John Fox, Kevin White, Kristin Cavallari, Matt Forte, Valtrex, Zygi Wilf
When asked about the key to his run of consistent play, Cutler just responded "been listening to a lot of early Danzig" before putting out a cigarette on his wrist and exiting a press conference.
Posted on Nov 18, 2015
Keywords: Adam Gase, Brock Osweiler, Chief McSorely, Jay Cutler, Jim Sorgi, John Fox, Marc Mariani, Nick Foles, Terrapin Station, Terrell Owens, Vic Fangio
Posted on Nov 12, 2015
Keywords: Bud Platinum, Dr. Death, Gooey Butter Cake, John Madden, Jon Gruden, Philip Rivers, St. Louis Rams
"But Carl," you say . . .
Posted on Nov 5, 2015
Keywords: Erin Andrews, Hank Williams Jr., Jacoby "Jesus" Jones, Jeremy Langford, Matt Slauson's Big Dong, New Jack City
For the first time in over a year, Chicago will have to figure out a way to contain Adrian Peterson as well as the NFL did.
Posted on Oct 28, 2015
Keywords: Bill Clinton, Dale Earnhardt Jr., Jeremiah Ratliff, Rob Wilson, Tim Tebow, Virginia McCaskey
Boy that's a crappy looking team they got over there in the mitten.
Posted on Oct 14, 2015
Keywords: Bold Flavor, Burgess Meredith, Jay Cutler
Hurry up with the damn croissants.
Posted on Oct 8, 2015
Keywords: Derek Carr, Jay Cutler, John Fox, Martellus Bennett, Ric Flair, Robbie Gould
Congratulations on your exciting day of yardwork, tax prep, abortion, or any of the other activities more entertaining than watching the Bears.
Posted on Oct 1, 2015
Keywords: Bob Kraft, Jimmy Clausen, John Fox, L'Carpetron Dookmarriot, Mel Gibson, Mrs. Kool-Aid Report's Can, Pat O'Donnell
Daughter an instant punchline.
Posted on Sep 23, 2015
Keywords: Beast Mode, Harold Goodwin, Jay Cutler, Kristin Cavallari, Russell Wilson's Boners
I don't know what you call that drink, but a bottle of Bacardi and a gallon of Arizona Iced Tea costs a total of $14 at the Walgreens by my house, so I'll just call the savings "delicious."
Posted on Sep 17, 2015
Keywords: Blue Oyster Cult, Lee Elia, The People's Republic of the Tanzania