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Kerry Wood's Weird Retirement Party

The biggest news last week wasn't just that Kerry Wood finally hung them up it was the way he did it. Since when do players announce their retirement and then go out there one more time? Were the Cubs then obligated to put him in a game regardless of situation? Like, no matter what? Kerry Wood may have been Tom Ricketts' fantasy pick, but the games are still real! And not all present a chance for, say, an intentional walk.

True, he got a strikeout when called upon. But what if he got shelled?

Putting Wood on this season's roster probably cost the Cubs five games. Hopefully Ricketts will stay out of Theo and Jed's way from now on.

Week in Review: The Cubs beat the series opener against the Cardinals and then lost six in a row - including getting swept by the White Sox- for a 1-6 week. How did the scuffling Cubs even win that one game? Let's just say that Cardinal pitching was so bad - how bad was it? - it was so bad Darwin Barney walked twice. He now has nine BBs on the year.

The Week in Preview: The Cubs travel to Houston and Pittsburgh this week. A lot of people thought both of those teams would be even worse than the Cubs this year. But as with most things, a lot of people are wrong.

The Second Basemen Report: Barney got six starts this week and new contestant Adrian Cardenas got the other. And it's just like Barney to pull out of a slump - 12 hits in the last 10 games - when someone else is there looking to get his job. Which is just like the ghost of Jim Hendry drew it up.

In former second basemen news, guess who is a Phillie? Why it's Mike Fontenot. And he's batting .667 in limited play. And he is, of course, missed.

Crazy Corners: Ian Stewart isn't quite hitting (.201) his weight (215), though he is over the Mendoza line. And say what you want about Mario Mendoza, but the guy was listed at 170 lbs. and batted .215 for his career. Bryan LaHR* is starting to see the league catch up with him - let's see if the (old) kid can make some adjustments. Which is really the whole point of this season. *Thanks, Kevin!

Weekly Bunting Report: The Cubs bunt a lot. They even bunt when they probably aren't supposed to. Like when your No. 3 hitter is up with two on and no outs. But hey, who's to say it wasn't a good call, Reality? What does Reality know anyway.

The Zam Bomb: Don't look now. And I mean, really don't look if you don't want to throw up, because Big Z is dealing in Miami. This makes Big Z
Apologetic.

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Endorsement No-Brainer: The Cubs for Viagra, because they no longer have Wood.

Ameritrade Stock Pick of the Week: Shares of Fake Nostalgia traded on higher volume this week with the retirement of Kerry Wood as the firm's crisis management plan went into effect.

Sink or Sveum: 54% Analytical, 46% Emotional. Sveum drops 20 points on the Dale-O-Meter this week due to getting kicked out of a game before he could hand Kerry Wood his last ball; his bunting call debacle; and calling sabermetrics "cybermetrics." Maybe this guy really is Nuts.

On a scale of Bat Sh#t Crazy (Charles Manson), Not All There (random guy with a neck tattoo), Thinking Clearly (Jordi LaForge), and Non-Emotional Robot (Data), Dale might be actually Bat Sh#t Crazy.

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And just like your level-headed uncle, Dale doesn't want you to know he actually has a few screws loose. But you know that you don't ask Uncle Dale what is in the back of his closet. Back behind his old suits and under Aunt Gertrude's afghan. Don't even mention it.

Over/Under: The number of people who thought Kerry Wood was going to be much more than he turned out to be: +/- Everyone except Steve Stone.

Don't Hassle The Hoff: Micah Hoffpauir is still a Ham Fighter and he's got his average up to .381 in limited duty. Limited duty? C'mon, Ham Fighters! He's breaking out, stop the playing time hassle!

Beachwood Sabermetrics: A complex algorithm performed by The Cub Factor staff using all historical data made available by Major League Baseball has determined that I've gone back to thinking this team is intergalactically bad.

The Cub Factor: Unlike Alfonso Soriano, you can catch 'em all!

The White Sox Report: Know the enemy.

Fantasy Fix: WHIP It Good.

Swings Both Ways: Don't Got Wood.

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