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Incentivizing Cubs Fans

"Attendance for the first month of the Chicago Cubs' season is down at Wrigley Field, so the team will offer a few incentives any fan can rally around - T-shirts and discounted beer and hot dogs," WGN reports.

"On Tuesdays, beginning with the May 10 game againt the St. Louis Cardinals, select brands of beer will cost $3.

"On Wednesdays, starting May 11, hot dogs will cost $1 and each Monday, beginning May 30 against the Houston Astros, bleacher-goers will receive a free T-shirt."

At least they have troughs in the restroom for easy $3 beer puking. The Cub Factor has learned that other potential incentives remain under consideration should attendance continue to dip:

* Post-vomit beers: $1 each.

* Bring a first baseman who can hit over .200 to the game, get a free floppy hat.

* 50% fewer errors.

* Free eye exam for every Darwin Barney seeing-eye single.

* One less douchebag per section.

* Starlin Castro bats twice every inning.

* The return of Julio Zuleta.

* Win a Casey Coleman bobblehead if a search party finds the real Ryan Dempster.

* Official Cubs Fan Regret-O-Meter (free to season ticket holders).

* For every Carlos Pena bunt, the Cubs will match your donation to the Wrigleyville bum of your choice.

* If you are on the fence about heading to a game, give Tom Ricketts a call and he'll beg you to come.

* Bring Doug Davis to work day. He'll make you look good no matter what you do because he stinks.

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The Week in Review: The Cubs went 3-3 for the week, winning two of three from the Dodgers and losing two of three to the Reds. So the Cubs got back to .500 baseball, but just for the week.

The Week in Preview: The Cubs stay home this week with three against the Cardinals and three against the Giants. This is pretty cool - we get to see both Ryan Theriot and Mike Fontenot this week as they start at shortstop for their teams. And we thought they could barely play second base for the Cubs. Is this truly where baseball is these days? And the Cubs still can't win? It makes me sick.

The Second Basemen Report: We finally have a little news on the second basemen front. Darwin Barney started four games this week but both Jeff Baker and Blake DeWitt got starts too. This truly could be up for grabs again. Especially if Starlin Castro keeps making errors that force a move to second base. Which could happen, which is for sure just like Jim Hendry drew it up.

In former second basemen news, Cubs fans will finally get to see Ryan Theriot on the right side of the Cubs-Cards rivalry. Stay classy, Ryan Theriot. On the flip side, the Cubs have replaced Theriot with another shortstop who can't field but at least wields a big stick. So, yeah, Ryan you are really missed.

The Zam Bomb: Big Z has to move back down to Apologetic as he pitched well this week once again and had no issues. But secretly we think he's Furious.

zam_apologetic.jpg

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Marlon Byrd Supplemental Report: Conte is now giving Byrd weekly injections of "under the radar hitting streak."

Lost in Translation: Mendozio linee is Japanese for Carlos Pena is almost hitting his weight.

Endorsement No-Brainer: The Unknown Comic for the Cubs' third-place hitter.

Sweet and Sour Quade: 89% sweet,11% sour. Down another three points this week due to leaving way too many men on base. And just like your smart, well-adjusted uncle, Mike isn't going to pay you to take out the trash if you are just going to get it close to the receptacle and not put it all the way in. Because the critters are going to get into it and it's like you aren't helping at all.

Ameritrade Stock Pick of the Week: Shares of sour grapes are selling higher as Ryan Theriot and the Cardinals come to town.

Over/Under: The date when Aramis Ramirez starts to hit home runs +/- too late.

Beachwood Sabermetrics: A complex algorithm performed by The Cub Factor staff using all historical data made available by Major League Baseball has determined that at some point Fukudome is going to stop getting on base, right?

The Cub Factor: Unlike Soriano, you can catch 'em all!

The White Sox Report: Know the enemy.

Get Your Gangler On: Follow Marty on Twitter.

Note For Readers Used To Seeing The Mount Lou Alert System Here: When manager Mike Quade shows any signs of, well, really anything abnormal, we will be all over it with some kind of graph or pictorial depiction of whatever it is, but until this guy shows something besides just being a normal, thoughtful, intelligent guy, we got next to nothing on him. We are hoping he shows something and kinda hoping he doesn't also, know what I mean? BUT HE IS GETTING CLOSER . . .

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