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If Tom Thibodeau Managed The Cubs

* Alfonso Soriano would be crumpled up and crying behind a vending machine in the bowels of Wrigley Field.

* Nate Robinson would be playing a very nice center field.

* That goat would be so worn out that the only thing left it could curse would be the urinals.

* Giving up unearned runs would be a concept with which he would be unfamiliar.

* Baseball's first man-to-man defense.

* We wouldn't need no stinkin' Jumbotron.

* Reed Johnson and Mark DeRosa would still be with the team, batting first and second.

* The league would store its Gold Gloves in Chicago just to make handing them out easier.

* The team would perform exceptionally well in cold weather.

* There would be no such thing as rebuilding because every season would be sacred.

* We wouldn't need a stinkin' bullpen because starters would be expected to complete games.

* Moises Alou would have caught the Bartman ball.

* That goat would have been allowed into Wrigley - and thoroughly enjoyed the game with his goat family.

* Bleacher tickets would still be $5.

* Mark Grace would have finished his career as a Cub and done his time as a multiple-DUI offender right here in Cook County.

* Darwin Barney would have learned to take a walk by now.

* Starlin Castro would be a Dodger.

* They would win more 1-0 and 2-1 games than any other team in the league.

* They'd be having a World Series ring ceremony this week.

* Carlos Marmol would be well into his second career as a gas station attendant.

* Mark Prior would be in his 13th injury-free year.

* The Bulls' season would be over by now.

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