Subscribe to the Newsletter

If Ozzie And Lou Switched Teams

We imagine a crosstown confabulation.

SOX: Lou sends Buehrle to the bullpen to be the 8th inning guy.
CUBS: Ozzie throws Jim Hendry under the bus - literally.

SOX: Now employ the greatest manager of all time according to Sox play-by-play man Ken "The Hawk" Harrelson.
CUBS: Now employ the greatest manager of all time according to Sox play-by-play man Ken "The Hawk" Harrelson.

SOX: Lou moves Gordon Beckham back to third base.
CUBS: Ozzie moves Aramis Ramirez back to the Dominican Republic.

SOX: Lou benches Carlos Quentin and moves Paul Konerko to the eighth spot, then has injured third baseman Mark Teahen in right field and batting cleanup.
CUBS: Ozzie handcuffs Alfonso Soriano to a CTA bench to ensure playing time for Tyler Colvin.

SOX: Lou challenges Bobby Jenks to a pie-eating contest and wins.
CUBS: Ozzie challenges Carlos Zambrano to a pissing contest and loses.

SOX: Lou continues fighting with TV analyst Steve Stone.
CUBS: Ozzie starts fighting with TV analyst Steve Stone.

SOX: Lou wonders aloud why A.J. Pierzynski stinks so badly at the plate this year.
CUBS: Ozzie wonders aloud why Geovany Soto's car stinks like a Phil Lesh concert.

SOX: Lou uses Mark Buehrle as a pinch-hitter.
CUBS: Ozzie uses Carlos Zambrano as a punching bag.

SOX: Out of habit, Lou calls for John Grabow out the 'pen, gets Randy Williams, shrugs indifferently.
CUBS: Ozzie calls for John Grabow out of the 'pen, actually sees Grabow walking towards the mound, then decides "%@$# it, I'll just go out there and throw four wild pitches myself."

SOX: Lou pressures Kenny Williams for a journeyman left-handed clean-up hitter.
CUBS: Ozzie pressures Tom Ricketts for a journeyman general manager .

SOX: Narrowly avoid finishing the season in the basement, still end 2010 as a total disgrace.
CUBS: See above.

-

Comments and submissions welcome.

More from Beachwood Sports »

Driven: The Story Of The First African American Inducted Into The NASCAR Hall Of Fame

Wendell Scott was to NASCAR what Jackie Robinson was to baseball. The difference was that Robinson played in liberal Brooklyn and had the backing of Branch Rickey, and Scott raced in the segregated South and had . . . nobody."

Continue reading "Driven: The Story Of The First African American Inducted Into The NASCAR Hall Of Fame" »

Posted on Jun 20, 2017

The White Sox Report

Pelfrey's Proof

Motivating Mike - and Matt.

Continue reading "Pelfrey's Proof " »

Posted on Jun 19, 2017

The Beachwood Radio Sports Hour #157: The Cubs Are Officially In Trouble

And help may not be on the way. Plus: On Hahn; The Human Journey Of Scott Darling; Bears Look Good Against The Bears!; Dwyane Wade's Fake News; What Kevin Durant Has Done; The Pens & P.K.; and Schweinsteiger!

Continue reading "The Beachwood Radio Sports Hour #157: The Cubs Are Officially In Trouble" »

Posted on Jun 16, 2017

Breaking Beachwood Sports Feed!