Sports

If Ozzie And Lou Switched Teams

By Andrew Reilly and Steve Rhodes

We imagine a crosstown confabulation.

SOX: Lou sends Buehrle to the bullpen to be the 8th inning guy.
CUBS: Ozzie throws Jim Hendry under the bus - literally.

SOX: Now employ the greatest manager of all time according to Sox play-by-play man Ken "The Hawk" Harrelson.
CUBS: Now employ the greatest manager of all time according to Sox play-by-play man Ken "The Hawk" Harrelson.

SOX: Lou moves Gordon Beckham back to third base.
CUBS: Ozzie moves Aramis Ramirez back to the Dominican Republic.

SOX: Lou benches Carlos Quentin and moves Paul Konerko to the eighth spot, then has injured third baseman Mark Teahen in right field and batting cleanup.
CUBS: Ozzie handcuffs Alfonso Soriano to a CTA bench to ensure playing time for Tyler Colvin.

SOX: Lou challenges Bobby Jenks to a pie-eating contest and wins.
CUBS: Ozzie challenges Carlos Zambrano to a pissing contest and loses.

SOX: Lou continues fighting with TV analyst Steve Stone.
CUBS: Ozzie starts fighting with TV analyst Steve Stone.

SOX: Lou wonders aloud why A.J. Pierzynski stinks so badly at the plate this year.
CUBS: Ozzie wonders aloud why Geovany Soto's car stinks like a Phil Lesh concert.

SOX: Lou uses Mark Buehrle as a pinch-hitter.
CUBS: Ozzie uses Carlos Zambrano as a punching bag.

SOX: Out of habit, Lou calls for John Grabow out the 'pen, gets Randy Williams, shrugs indifferently.
CUBS: Ozzie calls for John Grabow out of the 'pen, actually sees Grabow walking towards the mound, then decides "%@$# it, I'll just go out there and throw four wild pitches myself."

SOX: Lou pressures Kenny Williams for a journeyman left-handed clean-up hitter.
CUBS: Ozzie pressures Tom Ricketts for a journeyman general manager .

SOX: Narrowly avoid finishing the season in the basement, still end 2010 as a total disgrace.
CUBS: See above.

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