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If Only We Had Cashner

So this was the week when the Cubs got healthy and got their team back, right?

When the "just injuries" excuse was put to the test.

When the Cubs had all guns blazing - went all in, if you will - to show the rest of the baseball world that they weren't a complete and utter failure.

Sure, Big Z lost a start when he went on the DL with lower back tightness - joined a few days later by Marcos Mateo and his inflamed right wing - but really, Mike Quade had as many cards in his deck as could be expected. The Cubs were back in business.

The business of being really bad.

The only excuse left is the missing Andrew Cashner.

If not for the absence of his career 2-6 record and 4.53 ERA, this team would be competing. Everyone else is in place.

Let's hope Jim Hendry locks him into a long-term deal with a no-trade clause.

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Week in Review: The Cubs went 2-5 for the week losing, three of four to the Nationals and two of three to the Pirates. They did have a comeback for the ages, but at this point it's hard to care.

The Week in Preview: Luckily the Cubs will not be playing baseball for a few days, allowing fans keep down their meals and get healthy. Fans are scheduled to return to a regular schedule of vomiting when the Cubs open a four-game set in Florida on Thursday.

All-Star Report: Mike Quade lobbied Bruce Bochy to name Aramis Ramirez to the National League squad as an injury replacement, only to see Ramirez refuse the honor. Ramirez already had plans, and with a salary this year of only $14.6 million, he wasn't about to pay the airlines a change fee. Quade had no plans, so he'll join Bochy's staff along with lone player representative Starlin Castro, who is making $440,000 this year and has only been able to legally drink since March.

The Second Basemen Report: Darwin Barney started six games this week with Jeff Baker picking up the seventh. Barney has 10 hits in his last five games and is completely tearing it up. He's making $417,000 this year. Just like Jim Hendry drew it up.

In former second basemen news, Matt Stairs, who played one inning at second in 2001, is batting .143 for the Nationals. He is missed.

The Zam Bomb: Big Z is rehabbing his back and probably not following doctor's orders. That makes him Apologetic.

zam_apologetic.jpg

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Marlon Byrd Supplemental Report: Conte hasn't seemed to have injected Marlon with much lately - but he may have been working with Aramis . . .

Lost in Translation: Romonio Ortizee is Japanese for make it f'n stop for the love of god.

Endorsement No-Brainer: The Cub's miraculous comeback win this week for fashion diapers. Because they still stink and they are pointless.

Sweet and Sour Quade: 85% sweet,15% sour. Mike is down two points this week on the Sweet-O-Meter he inherited from Uncle Lou due to getting into it with Ryan Dempster. And just like your supposedly well-adjusted uncle, Mike let your cousin Kevin eat Snickers for dinner because he wanted to be a cool dad and not upset the kids. But now Kevin is so obese he's on disability from the phone company because he can't climb up the poles anymore and still eats Snickers for dinner.

Ameritrade Stock Pick of the Week: Injuries traded lower as the Excuse Bubble moved closer to bursting.

Over/Under: The number of baseball fans who will say to themselves while watching the All-Star game, "I guess Castro could become pretty good but I'm not sure he's an All-Star yet but who else on the Cubs are they going to send?": +/- all of them.

Beachwood Sabermetrics: A complex algorithm performed by The Cub Factor staff using all historical data made available by Major League Baseball has determined that the Phillies' pitching staff is sickening.

Farm Report: The Iowa Cubs continue to do a remarkable job preparing its players for life on the Chicago Cubs.

The Cub Factor: Unlike Soriano, you can catch 'em all!

The White Sox Report: Know the enemy.

Get Your Gangler On: Follow Marty on Twitter.

Note For Readers Used To Seeing The Mount Lou Alert System Here: When manager Mike Quade shows any signs of, well, really anything abnormal, we will be all over it with some kind of graph or pictorial depiction of whatever it is, but until this guy shows something besides just being a normal, thoughtful, intelligent guy, we got next to nothing on him. We are hoping he shows something and kinda hoping he doesn't also, know what I mean? BUT HE IS GETTING MUCH CLOSER . . . He's starting to answer to "Lou."

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