Beachwood Sports ArchiveA monthly look back
Beachwood Sports VideoPlease Stop Believing 99 Years of Cub Losses The 1908 Song Blame It On Bartman We Can't Wait 100 Years Dusty Must Get Fired
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* Trade him for Bernie Brewer.
* Build a bear den in the rafters and he comes out after every home run to maul a deer. Or shotgun an Old Style.
* Redesign him as the opposite of everything he is now.
* Build a better backstory that includes a meth lab, a hooker and a goat.
* Ditch Regis and hire Brant Brown.
* Make him sentient.
* Steroids and a corked bat.
* Drop him from an airplane onto the pitcher's mound before every game without a parachute.
* Trade him for Brian Griffin.
* Assign him to knock off Jim Belushi.
* Send him to Des Moines for more seasoning.
* Make him a transvestite.
* Stuff him and display him above Joe Ricketts' fireplace.
* Assign him to stalk Hawk Harrelson.
* Wipe that smirk off his face.
* Heavy metal Clark.
* Party at the moon tower.
* It'd be cooler if he did.
* Have him wear a Julio Zuleta jersey.
* Have him do an Ask Me Anything on Reddit.
* Have him shoot t-shirts that say "I'm With Stupid" out of one of those t-shirt guns between innings.
* Hire Louis CK to play him.
- Steve Rhodes, Marty Gangler
See also: Exclusive Interview With Clark Cub.
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