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Beachwood Sports VideoPlease Stop Believing 99 Years of Cub Losses The 1908 Song Blame It On Bartman We Can't Wait 100 Years Dusty Must Get Fired
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* Trade him for Bernie Brewer.
* Build a bear den in the rafters and he comes out after every home run to maul a deer. Or shotgun an Old Style.
* Redesign him as the opposite of everything he is now.
* Build a better backstory that includes a meth lab, a hooker and a goat.
* Ditch Regis and hire Brant Brown.
* Make him sentient.
* Steroids and a corked bat.
* Drop him from an airplane onto the pitcher's mound before every game without a parachute.
* Trade him for Brian Griffin.
* Assign him to knock off Jim Belushi.
* Send him to Des Moines for more seasoning.
* Make him a transvestite.
* Stuff him and display him above Joe Ricketts' fireplace.
* Assign him to stalk Hawk Harrelson.
* Wipe that smirk off his face.
* Heavy metal Clark.
* Party at the moon tower.
* It'd be cooler if he did.
* Have him wear a Julio Zuleta jersey.
* Have him do an Ask Me Anything on Reddit.
* Have him shoot t-shirts that say "I'm With Stupid" out of one of those t-shirt guns between innings.
* Hire Louis CK to play him.
- Steve Rhodes, Marty Gangler
See also: Exclusive Interview With Clark Cub.
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