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Justifying Bears Ticket Prices

"Coming off their fourth non-playoff season in the last five years, the Bears are raising ticket prices for the ninth time in 10 years since the opening of new Soldier Field in 2003," the Sun-Times reported this week.

So we paid to build the new stadium, which delivers more revenue to the privately owned football club than the old one; we pay to cover any shortfalls the stadium experiences, and then we pay increasingly more to attend the stadium we've already paid for and keep paying for - to watch crappy teams. Nice!

As a public service to both fans and the Bears, we've run the numbers and determined the only possible ways this season's ticket price hike can be justified.

* The purchase of an additional second of protection for Jay Cutler.

* Bus leaves training camp without Roy Williams.

* Tuition now covered to send Lovie Smith to that red flag penalty review seminar.

* Soldier Field actually takes off and returns to its home planet in the off-season.

* One inch less foam in every beer purchase.

* Replace the self-propelled Lawn Boy that keeps ruining the field.

* Buy Brian Urlacher a new personality - and some condoms.

* Purchase real video equipment to replace that old filmstrip projector.

* Sponsor a Mike Martz playbook burning.

* Hire Penn & Teller to make the McCaskeys disappear.

* Hire Randy Newman to write a new fight song.

* Buy the Green Bay Packers.

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Comments welcome.

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