Beachwood Sports ArchiveA monthly look back
Beachwood Sports VideoPlease Stop Believing 99 Years of Cub Losses The 1908 Song Blame It On Bartman We Can't Wait 100 Years Dusty Must Get Fired
Search The Beachwood Reporter
Subscribe to the Newsletter
Nineteen out of 20 readers are aware that The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report is not big on statistics. Ninety-eight percent of Americans don't know that, but three-sevenths should.
If you got the impression that Drew Brees completed 26 out of 24 passes to Jimmy Graham and Pierre Thomas last week, you'd be right; a couple of those pump fakes went for a combined 18 yards.
According to the Elias Sports Bureau, the only other quarterback in NFL history who completed a higher percentage of his passes in a single game was Jesus while playing for, who else, the Raiders in 1966.
We have seen two Bears games in a row that would have required Hail Marys to pull out a victory, which isn't a sin but it is a shame.
And if the ratings for Boardwalk Empire are any indication, isn't it safe to say that 78% of American's find the latter more offensive?
Another nice day for the second-year receiver out of Football School USA (let TJ and Boomer look it up, I don't care) but unfortunately the game expired when Jay Cutler told Alshon Jeffery to go long . . . real long, and he just ran into the middle of the field for a time-wasting completion.
We're going to have to give the Bears' offensive staff a quick reference guide to the concept of "taking what the defense gives you."
- Taking What The Defense Gives You: Down by three in the second quarter, you opt for a five-yard completion because the defense is playing nickel on 2nd-and-9.
- Being Taken Advantage Of By The Defense: As part of your divorce, your ex lets you keep the 1992 Ford Festiva in exchange for that original Monet hanging in the entry hall. Ha ha ha, stupid bitch! I get a car and all you get are these worthless dots! Also you complete a checkdown to your lawyer, down by eight with three seconds left.
So the second best statistical receiving game in Bears history had roughly the same value as an automobile whose name doesn't even translate directly into Mexican; a language that has no problem with party songs about cockroaches, worms in liquor and joint-shaped bean sandwiches whose namesake is a cute lil' donkey.
Tonight, the most successful Manning drags his sorry-ass Blue Yorks down to the lakefront for a game in which two teams hope to gain some semblance of momentum.
The good news is, falling down the stairs technically counts as moving forward, and beating the 2013 Giants takes about as much expertise.
Here's the game plan, Bears:
First, make sure that neither David Tyree or the world's stickiest helmet are working in football. We don't need any freakish last second occurrences from a team that was held to 10 points for the vast majority of that game.
Next, we need 46 guys to put on a football jersey and attend. Aww goddamit Weems! How do you get a red card in football, in the locker room?
Ok ok ok, we can get by with as few as 40 players. I'm pretty sure Devin Aromashodu and Al Afalava* are available if need be.
We just need to put together a decent pass rush against a crummy line, huh? Nate Collins is out indefinitely with "retirement?"
That's a thing?
Alright fine, I give the F up. Make absolutely no adjustments.
Huck the ball all over the field to Brandon Marshall and run effectively when it's inopportune. Stop nothing on defense but force six turnovers. Build up a big lead and then piss most of it away by forgetting how to play offense for 11 minutes only to pull away in the final portion of the contest.
Got it? Hands in.Win on three.
ONE TWO THREE, win?
Kool Aid (3 Out Of 5 Goblets Sam Adams OctoberFest)
It's kind of a "blah" game, I'll just go with a workhorse for my Thursday buzz. Hey, it'll be Friday in India during the game.
But I reserve the right to switch to small mugs of Jagermeister if things go sideways.
Eli Manning has developed nicely into a turnover machine and I expect the Bears to crank that machine into high gear . . . get your mind out of the gutter.
Nobody knows how to yield 30+ points like the New York Giants defense, though certainly some of that has to do with the horrific field position they've been handed by the aforementioned Captain Interception.
You know what to do D.
Over/Under on INTs: 3.5.
I'm taking the Over, but that might be due to the fact that I'm warming up for Thursday with some Orange Shandy.
You're damn right I bought a couple of sampler packs.
With Peanut Tillman out or hobbled, expect a big game from Tim Jennings, but also a big game from Victor Cruz.
I know I sound like a hop-filled broken record here, but I expect a heap o' points tonight. However, I expect several of them to be late-game garbage by New York.
*Editor's Note: At game time, Al Afalava, owner/operator of Afalava's Falafel-rama (Hawaii's premier Middle Eastern culinary experience), was not available.
Carl Mohrbacher is our man on the Kool-Aid. He welcomes your comments.
But they don't stink.Continue reading "SportsMonday: The Blackhawks Smell A Little" »
Posted on Dec 11, 2017
Convenient competing narratives.Continue reading "All Is Not Forgiven, John Fox & Co." »
Posted on Dec 11, 2017