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Exclusive! What's Really Inside The Cubs' New Clubhouse

The media is gushing about the Cubs' new clubhouse, but are you really getting the full story? No! You're only getting the sanitized version of the tour!

It turns out there are plenty of parts to the clubhouse the media wasn't allowed to see - but we did! Here's what we can exclusively report:

* To be politically correct, the Cubs have installed cage-free batting cages.

* The Cubs Chapel with services led by an animatronic Harry Caray and readings from the Bro Bible.

* The Kerry Wood Memorial Towel Drill Towel. Look, but don't touch.

* The Blow Room. In fitting with the clubhouse's disco aesthetic, this is where Cubs players do blow.

* Theo's Mausoleum. (And in the shadows: Jed's Mausoleum.)

* A full-service Walgreens pharmacy at the corner of Happy and Speedy.

* Slump-busting rooms.

* A sweatshop where underage Chinese workers turn out onesies.

* Gold-lined urinals and personal human butt-wipers.

* The Chamber of Dead Souls, featuring Mike Quade, Dale Sveum and Ricky Renteria.

* Bunk beds for Bryant and Rizzo.

* David "Grampa" Ross's private Early Bird Special dining room.

* A full-service studio with green screen so players can do their endorsements without having to go anywhere.

* Mascot quarters for Eddie Vedder, John Cusack, Jim Belushi.

* The Real Steve Bartman.

* A tunnel to El Chapo's cell.

* Showers featuring the only lead-free water in the city.

* A 5,000-foot tax shelter.

* World Series-ring sizing room.

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Comments welcome.

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