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It turns out there are plenty of parts to the clubhouse the media wasn't allowed to see - but we did! Here's what we can exclusively report:
* To be politically correct, the Cubs have installed cage-free batting cages.
* The Cubs Chapel with services led by an animatronic Harry Caray and readings from the Bro Bible.
* The Kerry Wood Memorial Towel Drill Towel. Look, but don't touch.
* The Blow Room. In fitting with the clubhouse's disco aesthetic, this is where Cubs players do blow.
* Theo's Mausoleum. (And in the shadows: Jed's Mausoleum.)
* A full-service Walgreens pharmacy at the corner of Happy and Speedy.
* Slump-busting rooms.
* A sweatshop where underage Chinese workers turn out onesies.
* Gold-lined urinals and personal human butt-wipers.
* The Chamber of Dead Souls, featuring Mike Quade, Dale Sveum and Ricky Renteria.
* Bunk beds for Bryant and Rizzo.
* David "Grampa" Ross's private Early Bird Special dining room.
* A full-service studio with green screen so players can do their endorsements without having to go anywhere.
* Mascot quarters for Eddie Vedder, John Cusack, Jim Belushi.
* The Real Steve Bartman.
* A tunnel to El Chapo's cell.
* Showers featuring the only lead-free water in the city.
* A 5,000-foot tax shelter.
* World Series-ring sizing room.
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