Subscribe to the Newsletter

Exclusive! What's Really Inside The Cubs' New Clubhouse

The media is gushing about the Cubs' new clubhouse, but are you really getting the full story? No! You're only getting the sanitized version of the tour!

It turns out there are plenty of parts to the clubhouse the media wasn't allowed to see - but we did! Here's what we can exclusively report:

* To be politically correct, the Cubs have installed cage-free batting cages.

* The Cubs Chapel with services led by an animatronic Harry Caray and readings from the Bro Bible.

* The Kerry Wood Memorial Towel Drill Towel. Look, but don't touch.

* The Blow Room. In fitting with the clubhouse's disco aesthetic, this is where Cubs players do blow.

* Theo's Mausoleum. (And in the shadows: Jed's Mausoleum.)

* A full-service Walgreens pharmacy at the corner of Happy and Speedy.

* Slump-busting rooms.

* A sweatshop where underage Chinese workers turn out onesies.

* Gold-lined urinals and personal human butt-wipers.

* The Chamber of Dead Souls, featuring Mike Quade, Dale Sveum and Ricky Renteria.

* Bunk beds for Bryant and Rizzo.

* David "Grampa" Ross's private Early Bird Special dining room.

* A full-service studio with green screen so players can do their endorsements without having to go anywhere.

* Mascot quarters for Eddie Vedder, John Cusack, Jim Belushi.

* The Real Steve Bartman.

* A tunnel to El Chapo's cell.

* Showers featuring the only lead-free water in the city.

* A 5,000-foot tax shelter.

* World Series-ring sizing room.


Comments welcome.

More from Beachwood Sports »
The White Sox Report

Some Fans Don't Quit

Was it the "Ricky's Boys Don't Quit" t-shirts? Or the opportunity to see if the Sox could break out of their slump at home where their record was 3-15?

Continue reading "Some Fans Don't Quit" »

Posted on May 21, 2018

TrackNotes: Two Down For Justify. One To Go?

Tom's Magic Eight Ball sez . . .

Continue reading "TrackNotes: Two Down For Justify. One To Go?" »

Posted on May 20, 2018

The Beachwood Radio Sports Hour #201: Much Ado About Machado

Meanwhile, Mad Joe Maddon is driving us mad. Plus: Bulls: We Stanks; Captain Kane; Ryan Pace Still Sucks; Last Year Was Supposed To Be Rock Bottom; Mike Trout, GOAT?; C'mon, Ricky, More Nicky!; and Schweinsteiger!

Continue reading "The Beachwood Radio Sports Hour #201: Much Ado About Machado" »

Posted on May 18, 2018

Breaking Beachwood Sports Feed!