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The local fanboy press corps went gaga when Joe Maddon arrived at spring training one morning in a hippie van, but that's nothing compared to what the Cubs skipper has planned for the regular season, the Beachwood has learned. On tap:
* On the home opener against the Reds, Maddon will parachute out of Air Trump One onto home plate to meet the umpires with his lineup card.
* Maddon will make his first trip to the mound at Wrigley to change pitchers on a hoverboard that explodes into flames.
* Maddon will arrive for the April series against the visiting Brewers through a tunnel dug from the Murphy's Bleachers, dressed as El Chapo.
* Maddon won't even show up when the Padres come to town in May, managing the game via Skype from Harry Caray's.
* To relieve stress before the season's first home series against the Cardinals, Maddon will pick up the whole team on the way to Wrigley along with as many strangers as it takes to set a Guinness world record for squeezing passengers into a crappy van.
* Maddon will arrive to the series opener here against the Phillies in May in an electric car powered by his own urine.
* Maddon will arrive to the series opener in Atlanta in June in a TransAm full of beer from Texarkana.
* To open a series against the Mets here in July, Maddon will commandeer an ice cream truck in Humboldt Park and play "It's A Small World (After All)" on a loop all the way to the park.
* Maddon will travel to the South Side and the North in a tricked-out Hoveround scooter for the Crosstown Classic.
* When the Rangers come to town in August, Maddon will arrive at the park on police horseback, except the horse will be a mime.
* In every visit to the mound against the Rangers later that month, Maddon will act out one of Kramer's entrances into Jerry's apartment.
* In September against the Giants, Maddon will zip line into Wrigley from the Northwest Tower in Wicker Park.
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