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Exclusive! Inside The Ricketts' New Wrigleyville Hotel

"More than a year after the Ricketts family paid $20 million for the McDonald's lot across from Wrigley Field, the Cubs ownership group announced an agreement . . . to develop a boutique Sheraton hotel on the Wrigleyville site," Crain's reported last month.

Sources tell the Beachwood the hotel will include the following features:

* Bathrooms will look like Wrigleyville alleys. Or just go in the hall.

* Troughs on each floor for guests who would prefer to urinate as a group.

* Guaranteed drunk, vomiting neighbor.

* Bellhop guarantees successful delivery of luggage to your room .286 of the time.

* Spoken word poetry by Lee Elia at the coffee shop.

* To simulate sitting deep in the 200s section, windows 25% the size of other rooms.

* Mark Grace's Slumpbusters Steakhouse to include complementary breathalyzers.

* Skunky minibar beers at just $26 a bottle.

* Reservations $100 above face value on Cubs-owned secondary market.

* Champagne corks in Sammy Sosa Suite made from his old bats.

* Wake-up calls pre-recorded by Ronnie Woo-Woo.

* Rates by the day instead of by night - except for 30 times a year.

* D-list celebrity leads 7 p.m. stretch in the spa.

* Free in-room movie courtesy of Joe Ricketts.

* Complex algorithm will determine each guest's replacement value.

* Guests asked to be patient with 105-year remodeling plan.

* McDonald's on site starts serving McGoat.

* Front desk staff will all come from Boston.

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Comments welcome.

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