Subscribe to the Newsletter

Exclusive! Inside The Ricketts' New Wrigleyville Hotel

"More than a year after the Ricketts family paid $20 million for the McDonald's lot across from Wrigley Field, the Cubs ownership group announced an agreement . . . to develop a boutique Sheraton hotel on the Wrigleyville site," Crain's reported last month.

Sources tell the Beachwood the hotel will include the following features:

* Bathrooms will look like Wrigleyville alleys. Or just go in the hall.

* Troughs on each floor for guests who would prefer to urinate as a group.

* Guaranteed drunk, vomiting neighbor.

* Bellhop guarantees successful delivery of luggage to your room .286 of the time.

* Spoken word poetry by Lee Elia at the coffee shop.

* To simulate sitting deep in the 200s section, windows 25% the size of other rooms.

* Mark Grace's Slumpbusters Steakhouse to include complementary breathalyzers.

* Skunky minibar beers at just $26 a bottle.

* Reservations $100 above face value on Cubs-owned secondary market.

* Champagne corks in Sammy Sosa Suite made from his old bats.

* Wake-up calls pre-recorded by Ronnie Woo-Woo.

* Rates by the day instead of by night - except for 30 times a year.

* D-list celebrity leads 7 p.m. stretch in the spa.

* Free in-room movie courtesy of Joe Ricketts.

* Complex algorithm will determine each guest's replacement value.

* Guests asked to be patient with 105-year remodeling plan.

* McDonald's on site starts serving McGoat.

* Front desk staff will all come from Boston.

-

Comments welcome.

More from Beachwood Sports »
The White Sox Report

Get Manny!

Given all the factors, if the Sox don't land Machado, they simply just don't have the glamour and pizzazz to attract a player of his caliber.

Continue reading "Get Manny!" »

Posted on Jan 14, 2019

SportsMonday: Parkey & Pace

Like his kicker, the Bears GM has been the most hit-and-miss at his job that we've ever seen in these parts.

Continue reading "SportsMonday: Parkey & Pace" »

Posted on Jan 14, 2019

Breaking Beachwood Sports Feed!