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"More than a year after the Ricketts family paid $20 million for the McDonald's lot across from Wrigley Field, the Cubs ownership group announced an agreement . . . to develop a boutique Sheraton hotel on the Wrigleyville site," Crain's reported last month.
Sources tell the Beachwood the hotel will include the following features:
* Bathrooms will look like Wrigleyville alleys. Or just go in the hall.
* Troughs on each floor for guests who would prefer to urinate as a group.
* Guaranteed drunk, vomiting neighbor.
* Bellhop guarantees successful delivery of luggage to your room .286 of the time.
* Spoken word poetry by Lee Elia at the coffee shop.
* To simulate sitting deep in the 200s section, windows 25% the size of other rooms.
* Mark Grace's Slumpbusters Steakhouse to include complementary breathalyzers.
* Skunky minibar beers at just $26 a bottle.
* Reservations $100 above face value on Cubs-owned secondary market.
* Champagne corks in Sammy Sosa Suite made from his old bats.
* Wake-up calls pre-recorded by Ronnie Woo-Woo.
* Rates by the day instead of by night - except for 30 times a year.
* D-list celebrity leads 7 p.m. stretch in the spa.
* Complex algorithm will determine each guest's replacement value.
* Guests asked to be patient with 105-year remodeling plan.
* McDonald's on site starts serving McGoat.
* Front desk staff will all come from Boston.
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