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So it turns out Jay Cutler's monstrous 7-year, 126.7 million contract is really just a middling 3-year, $54 million contract with club options thereafter.
The Beachwood, as it is wont to do, has obtained further exclusive details about the deal:
* Three bonus pouts per game.
* Nine bonus shrugs per press conference.
* Working Ventra card.
* Urlacher's old parking space once Urlacher finally moves his RV out of there.
* Private locker next to the training room.
* Obamacare Gold Insurance Plan.
* Doesn't have to play against Green Bay.
* Standing reservation at Hot Doug's.
* Josh McCown re-signed in the most non-threatening way possible.
* Roberto Garza required to shave his butt.
* Renewal of restraining order on Mike Martz.
* Name change to JJ Cutler.
* Gets his picture on the cover of the playbook.
* Gets Peyton Manning on his fantasy team for next three years.
* Will co-star with Kristin in new reality show called The Pills.
* Only required to give a shit once every three games.
* New house in Boca; will fly in for home games.
* All green M&Ms will be removed from the training table.
* No one has to know about Lauren Conrad.
* Gets to bunk with Brody at training camp.
* Team will take legal action against porn star Jay Smutler.
* For every touchdown he throws, he gets a Groupon to Diversey Bowl.
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