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Exclusive: Inside Jay Cutler's Contract

So it turns out Jay Cutler's monstrous 7-year, 126.7 million contract is really just a middling 3-year, $54 million contract with club options thereafter.

The Beachwood, as it is wont to do, has obtained further exclusive details about the deal:

* Three bonus pouts per game.

* Nine bonus shrugs per press conference.

* Working Ventra card.

* Urlacher's old parking space once Urlacher finally moves his RV out of there.

* Private locker next to the training room.

* Obamacare Gold Insurance Plan.

* Doesn't have to play against Green Bay.

* Standing reservation at Hot Doug's.

* Josh McCown re-signed in the most non-threatening way possible.

* Roberto Garza required to shave his butt.

* Renewal of restraining order on Mike Martz.

* Name change to JJ Cutler.

* Gets his picture on the cover of the playbook.

* Gets Peyton Manning on his fantasy team for next three years.

* Will co-star with Kristin in new reality show called The Pills.

* Only required to give a shit once every three games.

* New house in Boca; will fly in for home games.

* All green M&Ms will be removed from the training table.

* No one has to know about Lauren Conrad.

* Gets to bunk with Brody at training camp.

* Team will take legal action against porn star Jay Smutler.

* For every touchdown he throws, he gets a Groupon to Diversey Bowl.

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Comments welcome.

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