Subscribe to the Newsletter

Exclusive: Inside Jay Cutler's Contract

So it turns out Jay Cutler's monstrous 7-year, 126.7 million contract is really just a middling 3-year, $54 million contract with club options thereafter.

The Beachwood, as it is wont to do, has obtained further exclusive details about the deal:

* Three bonus pouts per game.

* Nine bonus shrugs per press conference.

* Working Ventra card.

* Urlacher's old parking space once Urlacher finally moves his RV out of there.

* Private locker next to the training room.

* Obamacare Gold Insurance Plan.

* Doesn't have to play against Green Bay.

* Standing reservation at Hot Doug's.

* Josh McCown re-signed in the most non-threatening way possible.

* Roberto Garza required to shave his butt.

* Renewal of restraining order on Mike Martz.

* Name change to JJ Cutler.

* Gets his picture on the cover of the playbook.

* Gets Peyton Manning on his fantasy team for next three years.

* Will co-star with Kristin in new reality show called The Pills.

* Only required to give a shit once every three games.

* New house in Boca; will fly in for home games.

* All green M&Ms will be removed from the training table.

* No one has to know about Lauren Conrad.

* Gets to bunk with Brody at training camp.

* Team will take legal action against porn star Jay Smutler.

* For every touchdown he throws, he gets a Groupon to Diversey Bowl.

-

Comments welcome.

More from Beachwood Sports »

Driven: The Story Of The First African American Inducted Into The NASCAR Hall Of Fame

Wendell Scott was to NASCAR what Jackie Robinson was to baseball. The difference was that Robinson played in liberal Brooklyn and had the backing of Branch Rickey, and Scott raced in the segregated South and had . . . nobody."

Continue reading "Driven: The Story Of The First African American Inducted Into The NASCAR Hall Of Fame" »

Posted on Jun 20, 2017

The White Sox Report

Pelfrey's Proof

Motivating Mike - and Matt.

Continue reading "Pelfrey's Proof " »

Posted on Jun 19, 2017

The Beachwood Radio Sports Hour #157: The Cubs Are Officially In Trouble

And help may not be on the way. Plus: On Hahn; The Human Journey Of Scott Darling; Bears Look Good Against The Bears!; Dwyane Wade's Fake News; What Kevin Durant Has Done; The Pens & P.K.; and Schweinsteiger!

Continue reading "The Beachwood Radio Sports Hour #157: The Cubs Are Officially In Trouble" »

Posted on Jun 16, 2017

Breaking Beachwood Sports Feed!