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The Beachwood has obtained a copy of the bid Rahm Emanuel has filed with the NFL. Here are the highlights:
* $1 million pledged to media effort led by David Axelrod to convince Chicagoans they should feel better about themselves because a bunch of rich guys are coming here to party.
* Talking points already distributed to local TV news reporters, including these suggested questions to visitors: "How do you like Chicago? Do you like Chicago? What's your favorite thing to do in Chicago? Do you like the restaurants in Chicago? Howzabout being in Chicago?"
* Gift bags will include VIP passes to Alinea and the Admiral.
* Mike Ditka will open the proceedings with a ceremonial chewing gum toss.
* Jenny McCarthy will give every team owner five minutes in the closet.
* A perimeter around downtown and the Near North Side will be sealed off to keep out the wrong element, like people who live here.
* The Art Institute lions will be remade to feature Roger Goodell's head.
* The Blue Line will be renamed the Goodell Line for the duration of the event.
* Rahm Emanuel will only ask each team owner for a campaign contribution twice. Or maybe three times, max.
* University of Chicago sports economist Allen Sanderson will be disappeared for three months surrounding the draft to prevent him from pointing out that estimates of the event's economic benefits are grossly overstated.
* Michael Sneed won't need to be told to keep track of hot spots visited by NFL contingent.
* Bulldozers will carve massive "50" onto Northerly Island surface.
* Cook County criminal justice leaders will open an auxiliary courtroom and lockup at the Palmer House Hilton to discretely handle any incidents that may arise.
* The city will file for a temporary restraining order keeping Crane Kenney and Tom Ricketts at least 1,000 yards from the event.
* Steve Fuller to present Golden Clipboard Award at predraft reception.
* Using the word "concussion" during the event will constitute a terrorist offense.
* The city pledges to use the 3-D printing lab at Harold Washington Library to produce a Soldier Field big enough to host a Super Bowl.
- Nick Shreders, Tom Chambers, Mike Luce, Tim Willette, Steve Rhodes