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Exclusive! Behind The Wrigley Renovation

Tom Ricketts finally dribbled out his family's renovation plans for Wrigley Field on Tuesday, in advance of his big presentation at the City Club today showing why we should all take pity on how one of America's richest families is being restrained from running its own business by pesky binding contracts, existing preservation law, city building and zoning codes, annoying neighbors and general Kubs Karma. Hint: The new Wrigley will look like an LED sign convention.

The Beachwood, as usual, has obtained the Ricketts' confidential companion marketing plan to the renovation. Here are the highlights:

* LED ribbons on players' bats.

* LED ribbons on players' hats.

* LED ribbons on all black cats.

* LED ribbons on Wrigley's rats.

* LED ribbons on Dale's tats.

* Instead of walk-up songs, Cubs batters will choose walk-up commercials.

* Fans will be replaced by renderings of fans.

* Team will save money by not counting Cubs errors.

* Actual games will be played at Payton Prep while Wrigley will be used for concerts, hockey games and Northwestern football.

* Relief pitchers to be driven to mound in cars sponsored by Bob Rohrman.

* Revenue from every beer sold goes to fund Joe Ricketts' next movie.

* Views from the rooftops to be shielded by Romulan cloaking device.

* Mark Grace's car will be retired in the first of a new series of promotions.

* Farm system will actually become a system of working farms.

* The proposed Triangle Building will become a Triangle Waistshirt Factory.

* Wrigley Field to be renamed after Bazooka unless Wrigley Company ponies up the sponsorship dough.

* Team will save money by combining TV and radio broadcasters into one position and giving the job to this guy.

* Team will change name to the Chicago Nikes unless Lincoln Park Zoo coughs up the sponsorship dough.

* The Captain Morgan Club will be renamed The J.P. Morgan Club.

* In what is sure to be a winner, team will lease all seats to Chicago Parking Meters LLC for the next 75 years in exchange for a big upfront payment.

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See also: Exclusive! Inside The Ricketts' New Wrigleyville Hotel.

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Comments welcome.

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