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Exclusive! A Guide To The New Wrigley Bleachers

The new bleachers are finally here, and boy are they an upgrade.

* Benches now made of artisanal woodstuffs harvested from the rainforests of Brazil and certified organic by Whole Foods.

* Now serving a special Budweiser craft beer called Stick Ball, an IPA with hints of popcorn, mustard and entitlement.

* Left field sucks! Right field WILL SUCK in a month!

* Hire-A-Fan lets bleacher-goers pay someone to watch the game for them while they trade stock tips, network with daddy's board of directors and arrange after-game coke buys with their college dealers.

* Ronnie Woo Woo is out. Ronnie Woodfield III Woodfield III, Princeton '95, is in.

* Captain Morgan is out. Lt. Col. Morgan is in, and he knew your daddy at West Point.

* First 1,000 fans get kicked out before they actually do something to get kicked out.

* Bottle service. In da club section.

* Hot dogettes.

* 50% more white people!

* Still featuring people without jobs like the Bleacher Bums of yore, but instead of being unemployed they are merely trust funders.

* 50% more homophobia!

Contributing: Tom Chambers, Eric Emery, Nick Shreders and Steve Rhodes


Comments welcome.

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Posted on Oct 22, 2021