Beachwood Sports ArchiveA monthly look back
Beachwood Sports VideoPlease Stop Believing 99 Years of Cub Losses The 1908 Song Blame It On Bartman We Can't Wait 100 Years Dusty Must Get Fired
Search The Beachwood Reporter
Subscribe to the Newsletter
The new bleachers are finally here, and boy are they an upgrade.
* Benches now made of artisanal woodstuffs harvested from the rainforests of Brazil and certified organic by Whole Foods.
* Now serving a special Budweiser craft beer called Stick Ball, an IPA with hints of popcorn, mustard and entitlement.
* Left field sucks! Right field WILL SUCK in a month!
* Hire-A-Fan lets bleacher-goers pay someone to watch the game for them while they trade stock tips, network with daddy's board of directors and arrange after-game coke buys with their college dealers.
* Ronnie Woo Woo is out. Ronnie Woodfield III Woodfield III, Princeton '95, is in.
* Captain Morgan is out. Lt. Col. Morgan is in, and he knew your daddy at West Point.
* First 1,000 fans get kicked out before they actually do something to get kicked out.
* Bottle service. In da club section.
* Hot dogettes.
* 50% more white people!
* Still featuring people without jobs like the Bleacher Bums of yore, but instead of being unemployed they are merely trust funders.
* 50% more homophobia!
Contributing: Tom Chambers, Eric Emery, Nick Shreders and Steve Rhodes
-More from Beachwood Sports »
An amusing little scandal.Continue reading "MLB's Sticky Situation" »
Posted on Jan 11, 2021