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Cubs Anonymous

In the not-too-distant future, say 2018, Cubs fans will look back at the season currently in progress and say, "That team sure got decimated with injuries in 2011. Pass me that turkey sandwich pill."

Because surely turkey sandwiches will come in pill form by then.

Cyanide already does. Maybe we could kill this season now and get a head start on next year's embarrassment.

The Week in Review: The Cubs went 3-4 this week during the bunny part of their schedule against the Mets, Pirates and Astros. These guys can't beat a rug.

The Week in Preview: The Cubs play two more at home against the Astros and then head to St Louis for three against the Cardinals. At least the Cubs defense looks to get a boost thanks to Alfonso Soriano's left quad strain. Too bad Reed Johnson is also hurt. Lou Montanez and Brad Snyder join the team as replacement parts. It's already September call-up time.

The Second Basemen Report: Darwin Barney once again played all seven games this week at second base, but that doesn't mean the keystone carousel has stopped. Hardly. Blake DeWitt played some left field and third base, and we hope he catches this week and then throws out of the bullpen. The Second Basemen Report would also like to welcome DJ LeMahieu to the festivities. LeMahieu will play out of position for the ailing Jeff Baker. Just like Jim Hendry drew it up.

In former second basemen news, ex-cub Ronny Cedeno was in town to remind fans that it could be worse at second base and/or shortstop. He is missed.

The Zam Bomb: Big Z is Apologetic this week as it certainly appears that he is being coddled. Pinch-hitting makes the big guy happy - which isn't a bad thing until you are in a real game and need a real pinch hitter.

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Marlon Byrd Supplemental Report: Conte should have been giving Marlon some "get out of the way" pills.

Lost in Translation: Rodrigo Lopez is Spanish for Doug Davis.

Endorsement No-Brainer: That Campana kid for stealing stuff. Four in a game is impressive. (Downside: Cubs have to come up with a steal sign.)

Sweet and Sour Quade: 87% sweet,13% sour. Mike drops a few points on the Sweet-O-Meter due to forgetting how he got the job in the first place. And just like your smart, well-adjusted uncle, Mike was supposed to drive himself and Aunt Trudy to the Memorial Day BBQ over at Cousin Phil's place. Mike was there last year but forgot how he got there, got lost, and ended up in Iowa.

Ameritrade Stock Pick of the Week: Shares of Coinstar traded higher this week as it is clear that the Cubs love to pay bum pitchers these days. And bums always get paid with change.

Over/Under: The number of quality starts the Cubs will get out of Rodrigo Lopez this year +/- off. No one is going to take this bet.

Beachwood Sabermetrics: A complex algorithm performed by The Cub Factor staff using all historical data made available by Major League Baseball has determined that know one knows who half these guys are.

The Cub Factor: Unlike Soriano, you can catch 'em all!

The White Sox Report: Know the enemy.

Get Your Gangler On: Follow Marty on Twitter.

Note For Readers Used To Seeing The Mount Lou Alert System Here: When manager Mike Quade shows any signs of, well, really anything abnormal, we will be all over it with some kind of graph or pictorial depiction of whatever it is, but until this guy shows something besides just being a normal, thoughtful, intelligent guy, we got next to nothing on him. We are hoping he shows something and kinda hoping he doesn't also, know what I mean? BUT HE IS GETTING MUCH CLOSER . . .

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