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Carl's Cubs Mailbag: Git 'er Don't!

What . . . the . . . hell . . . was . . . that?
-Esteban, Peotone IL

I see you watched Tuesday's game against the Reds.

Yes, all seven runs were unearned. Hoo-ray Beer!

In an effort to cheer you up, allow me to recount some other notable baseball occurrences that were harder to stomach than the 7-5 loss in Cincinnati.

* Roger Craig is accidentally injected with steroids by a syringe stowed in his wife's bra.

* Sammy Sosa throws out his back while stuffing his bat full of super-balls.

* Don Zimmer gets face slammed by Razor Ramon (SP Boston Red Sox) in a bench clearing brawl during the 2003 playoffs.

* Leadoff man Brady Anderson's 50-home-run season.

Is there an official stat for plays that weren't made that should have been? I'm referring to the stuff that went on in 6th inning on Monday.
-Bob, Chicago IL

That was a rough series against the Reds.

There have been some recent additions to defensive statistics that address fielding capabilities more completely, such as Probabilistic Model of Range (PMR) and Ultimate Zone Rating (UZR) which I find to be just another shovel full of Sabermetrics.

In the case of crap defense, nothing works like the eye test.

I'm advocating for the addition of the "Awww F@#%," or AF, statistic.

Whenever Aramis Ramirez has to dive for a ground ball that would have hit Kevin Kouzmanoff in the chest, resulting in what is technically an infield hit, mark down an AF.

Next time Alfonso Soriano has a ball sail well over his head because he broke in for some reason, mark down an AF.

And so on.

What do you think of the new outfielder, Tony Campana?
-Ryan, Wood Dale IL

He's from the Cincinnati area, so he likes chili on his spaghetti.

Are the 2011 Cubs really that much worse than the 2010 San Francisco Giants?
-Sandy, Michigan City IN

With the Giants in town last week, presumably to be pissed on by the sky, I thought about the same thing. The conclusion I came to is other than the consistent pitching, solid defense and the winning, the two teams are remarkably similar.

The '10 Giants found a way to get it done and the '11 Cubs are finding a ton of creative ways to get it don't.

I'm sure there's a great merchandising opportunity for the tagline "Chicago Cubs Baseball: Git 'er Don't!"

Why doesn't Reed Johnson play everyday?
-DeLino, Carol Stream IL

I'm kind of hoping he does so I can bust out a column titled "Diminishing Reed-turns" when he goes into a slump. In fact, I put together a whole notebook of preemptive puns before the season started.

I've got "Baker's Dozen!" for the day the Cub utility man knocks in 13 runs; "Pena Collide-a!" when Carlos Pena bowls over a catcher during a game-ending play at the plate and "Marshall Law" which I'll use when Sean Marshall and Korean fashion designer Jean-Claude Van Damme team up to dispense a unique brand of justice upon terrorists plotting to sell explosive counterfeit foam fingers to Wrigley patrons*.

It's called wordplay, kids. That's how you make the big bucks.

*Substitute "Sean Marshall" with "Rob Schneider" and that's an actual movie.


Send your comments and questions to Carl!

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