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Carl's Cubs Mailbag: Zen And The Art of Ice Loves Coco

How would you sum up this week's action in a catchy marketing phrase?
-Crane, Chicago IL

It's not the heat . . . it's the futility.

With Marmol struggling, do you think the Cubs are going to use anybody other than Sean Marshall at closer?
-Pat, Boone IA

Paul Weaver, the Cubs' international director of scouting, is currently working with Seal Team Six to conduct covert negotiations with former Marlins closer Ugueth Urbina inside of a Venezuelan prison.

Did the Dalai Lama get a chance to visit with the Cubs while he was in town?
-Frank, Chicago IL

He stopped by Wrigley on Sunday to get shampoo tips from Mike Quade and smoked a cigar with Jack McKeon.

It's Hall of Fame time again. Are you going to write the obligatory Cubs Fan case for Santo's induction? Because I'm tired of hearing it.
-Joe, Bristol CT

Good point, Mr. Morgan. Voting a baseball player into the Hall of Fame based on the hackneyed premises of hitting and defense has definitely worn thin. I feel your plight and have petitioned the good folks at Cooperstown to adopt a new set of criteria for induction. Some of the categories by which a player should be judged are:

* The ability to enter a Zen state and float.
* Expressiveness.
* Resistance to fiery toupees.

I don't wanna watch Cubs games anymore because they suck. Do you have any other recommended viewing?
-Timmy, Peoria IL

Three words:


As an aside, I want to invent a time machine for the sole purpose of traveling to 1993 to see the look on my face when I give my younger self the news that one day, Ice T will star on a Law & Order spinoff, Dr. Dre will endorse Hewlett-Packard and Brandy's brother would release a sex tape that would make the big-assed daughter of O.J. Simpson's lawyer famous.

I would not mention cell phones, the internet or the 2003 NLCS.


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