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Carl's Cubs Mailbag: You Have Herpes

Derrick Lee Homers Twice As Cubs Beat Pirates. Is it 2005?
-Evan, Evanston IL

Not to worry, Evan. If it were, the headline would read Murton Electrifies Crowd With Standing Double In Loss.

Or The Most Interesting Man In The World Faces Trial For '82 Dujail Massacre.

Sunday was the trading deadline and the Cubs made a big splash by trading . . . Fukudome for a guy that might be related to Bobby Abreu? What the hell?
-Jesus, Bible Grove IL

You're selling the organization short. Jim Hendry spearheaded a deal with the Texas Power Rangers that brought a pretty good Japanese guitar player in exchange for Paul McCartney tickets and also traded one of Michael Brenly's shoes for the head of the Chicago Sting mascot.

Quite the power surge on Tuesday. I didn't watch the game after the third. Did Wells give up 16 runs in the 5th?
-Jim, Chicago IL

Surprisingly, no.

Up to his usual hijinks, Ryan Dempster spiked the Gatorade cooler with grain alcohol, which got Randy Wells so drunk that he forgot who he was.

What kind of season would Matt Garza be having for a better team?
-Matt, Chicago IL

We're going to find out. He's the player to be named later in the aforementioned trade with the Chicago Sting.

Four in a row! Suck it, Redbirds!
-Matt, El Paso IL

Matt's not really that excited about Wednesday's win in Pittsburgh. He just beat his Native American friend at a board game.

This streak is the baseball equivalent of suppressing a recent herpes flare-up.

The good news is, for the moment it doesn't look like you have herpes.

The bad news is, you have herpes.

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