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Carl's Cubs Mailbag: Wrath Of The Table Saw

Is DJ LeMahieu just a right-handed Micah Hoffpauir?
-Caleb, Henning IL

No, because DJ has a job in the major leagues.

Fun trivia fact about LeMahieu:

His birth name is actually Doug Goldblatt. Doug had some success after college as a rave disc jockey and picked up the alias LeMahieu during an ecstasy bender in which he believed he was a French concierge. In 2006, he lost a bet with the ghost of Andy Warhol that he couldn't eat 60 croissants without vomiting, so he put down the glowstick, stopped chopping righteous mixes and picked up a bat.

Will Carlos Pena be back next season?
-Gilbert, Gottfried IL

Yes, but as an assistant to the new GM. Like Greg Maddux, he will be paid a high six-figure income to show up at the office 60 times a year, show DJ LeMahieu how to pick short hops at first base and occasionally come out of the dugout to talk to players in Spanish as he juggles a rosin bag.

When are the renovations of Wrigley Field going to start?
-David, Justice IL

Soon. Those Under Armour signs in the outfield are load-bearing lead/asbestos composite, so unless we get a fresh coat of paint on those suckers before the end of winter, the bleachers will collapse.

Ugh. 6-2 Reds in the 7th. How do I stomach this garbage?
-Blake, DeWitt IL

Make anagrams.

Logan Ondrusek: One Drunk's Goal

Darwin Barney: Drab n' Rainy . . . Ew.

Tony Campana: A Pact On Many

What did Koyie Hill do to piss off Quade?
-Koyie, Chicago IL

He don't play much, do he.

Or is it "heie" don't play much, do "heie?"

Rumor has it the Cubs skipper took it the wrong way when Hill brought his wife's minx cat to the ballpark on the way to the vet. Hence the 175 at-bats for the season.

Fun trivia fact about Hill (or is it Hillie):

In his spare time, the Cubs backup catcher has been working on a labor of true love: A rock opera collaboration called Wrath Of The Table Saw featuring Tommy Shaw, Ted Nugent and Jack Blades.

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