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Carl's Cubs Mailbag: Tom Sizemore Edition

Aramis Ramirez says he's had a better career than Todd Hollandsworth and Hollands worth came back with "Oh Yeah, MoFo?" and flashed the hardware. Who's right?
-Jack, Chicago IL

I don't recall Hollandsworth ever turning down a trade that would have vested something on the order of $17 million, so while Hollandsworth has the ice on his fingers, I think we can safely say Ramirez has the brass in his pants.

But to answer your question, there's something to be said for having four rings like Will Purdue, instead of zero like Clyde Drexler.

What's up with Zambrano? Why did he walk out on the team?
-Johnny, Cashtown PA

He needed sleep, but he needed clean clothes more*.

He was also late for dinner with his next manager.

What did the Cubs brass have to say to Zambrano on Friday night?
-Sarah, Itasca IL

It was a closed door meeting, but sources say it was a brief exchange.

What will Carlos Zambrano's legacy be?
-Lenore, Long Grove IL

The equivalent of Tom Sizemore's acting career.

Like Sizemore in Passenger 57, Zambrano first became noticed by mainstream fans as a supporting player in an ensemble whose individual members never quite reached its potential.

*

Enjoy it folks, this is the only time in your life anyone will ever compare Kerry Wood, Mark Prior and Matt Clement to Wesley "Always Bet On Black" Snipes, Elizabeth Hurley and Bruce Payne.

*

Zambrano and Sizemore would spend much of their career racking up a number of impressive performances with some good teams (True Romance, Natural Born Killers, Saving Private Ryan, Black Hawk Down), but neither would ever quite live up to the potential of their respective leading man talent.

Next stop, Zambrano will join the cast of Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew along with David Hasselhoff, Amy Winehouse's ghost and the bass player from Limp Bizkit.

Are the Cubs playing kind of good right now?
-Randy, Huntley IL

You wrote this before our friend Ma** gave up the grand tater in the ninth on Tuesday night, didn't you?

It's true that 20 percent of their wins for the season have come in about the last two weeks (I really wish that was a joke), but getting excited about this stretch is like watching the Bears starting the season 2-9 and printing playoff tickets following a two-game win streak.

Unfortunately, the St. Louis Rams aren't in the NL Central so the Cubs won't be making the playoffs with 71 wins and a 2010 Seahawks-esque .437 winning percentage.

I want that Bud Light Lime commercial where the two guys walk into a gas station from the rain and turn the gas station into a beach bar with hot babes to actually happen. How do I make that happen?
-Anonymous

Drink a case of Icehouse. You'll be partying in a gas station before you know what hit you.

-

*That's three Michael Ironside references in four weeks for those of you keeping score.

**Quade has shortened his name from Marmol, to Marm, to Ma. Next up is 50% of the letter "M," pronounced "eh."

-

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