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Carl's Cubs Mailbag: Pretzels and Mustaches

Three in a row! How 'bout them Cubbies?!
-Seymour, Hoffman Estates IL

Here are some other things that take four months to accomplish:

* A Syfy original movie can be written, cast, filmed, edited, debuted and rerun.

* Mickey Rourke and Kim Basinger can have two consecutive whirlwind relationships*.

* In an effort to turn her life around, a single mother can complete a gun repair course from ICS.

Why won't Aramis Ramirez approve a trade?
-Adolfo, New Berlin IL

Because he hates winning, guaranteeing himself millions of dollars and wants to cock-block Josh Vitters.

Vitters knows what he did.

With James Russell, Sean Marshall, Jeff Samardzija and John Grabow having settled into defined roles, do you feel the Cubs' bullpen can be a strength going into the stretch run?
-Wally, Wheeling IL

For christ sake dude, "Let It Whip" was written by Dazz Band not The Commodores.

No, that is not Lionel Ritchie.

Seriously, I'll bet you $500.

It don't care what Melanie says . . . was she in The Commodores? I didn't think so.

Huh? I thought I heard something.

Hold on, a question that just came in.

Yeah. I gotta go dude.

'Cause I'm at work.

Sorry Wally, I wasn't paying attention. You're really still watching these games?

The Mariners have a better record than the Cubs despite having just snapped a 17-game losing streak. Am I misreading the standings?
-Stevie, Wonder Lake IL

Don't blame yourself, Stevie. I realize they only publish the braille version of the MLB standings once every four weeks. For at least one summer, you can consider yourself lucky that you can't see what the rest of us can.

How can the Cubs sustain a competitive run like the Brewers have enjoyed the last few years?
-John, Doughton NC

So we've gotten to the point where we want to emulate a franchise that has one playoff win since 1982, eh?

All the Cubs have to do is develop a power-hitting Jew, sign the son of one of the great sluggers of the 90s, trade for a recent Cy Young winner and build an expressway exit that leads directly to a Wrigley Field's parking lot.

After that, it's mostly pretzels and mustaches.

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*One day, I will do a column dedicated entirely to understatements within IMDB plot synopses. The 9 1/2 Weeks summary boasts one of my favorites:

"She finally realizes that their relationship is unhealthy . . . when John starts to have sex with a prostitute in front of her in a dingy motel room."

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