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Carl's Cubs Mailbag: Porn and Day Baseball

Which Cubs player has the name best suited for porn?
-Ron, Los Angeles

Reed Johnson is the leader in the clubhouse, but Kerry Wood and Thomas Diamond are close seconds.

Is Ryan Dempster tipping his pitches?
-Neil, Elgin IL

Less like tipping and more like skywriting.

Going into Wednesday, the White Sox had the worst record in baseball. Should I care?
-Lynette, Chicago

No. You shouldn't care that as of May 4th the Sox are already 11.5 games back in the division. You shouldn't care that their offense has totally underperformed, that their bullpen is arguably the least reliable in the league and that their defense kicks the ball all over the place. You shouldn't care that they were no-hit by a guy with an ERA of more than 9.00. You shouldn't care that a guy named Humber is one of the few bright spots on the South Side.

You shouldn't care at all.

Heh-heh.

Can any manager reach Alfonso Soriano?
-Mike, Chicago

Sure.

What's wrong with Starlin Castro?
- Michael, Chicago

He's tipping his swings.

Is Buddy Bailey the next Mike Quade?
-B.B., Daytona FL

And at half the price.

Is day baseball really to blame for the Cubs' historic woes?
-Ron, Heaven

Yes. Night baseball, too.

I was watching the game this afternoon and saw Ted Lilly pitching for the team with the "B" on their hat. I dunno, maybe they're the Los Angeles Barrios or Burritos or something? Who did we get for Lilly anyway? He was our best pitcher for like a million years, am I right? So my wife walks in during the game and is all like "Why can't you get a job?" So I tell her . . . [Editors Note: This question was edited for length and profanity]
-Randy, Ottawa IL

The "B" on the hat is for Brooklyn, New York; the state where the "Draft Dodgers" and many of their lefty, liberal, communist friends are originally from. The nickname made its way west along with the franchise.

The Cubs traded Ted Lilly, Ryan Theriot and $2.5 million in cash for Blake DeWitt, two unheard of pitching prospects and [Dodgers part-owner] Frank McCourt's assistant Joey, who is ex-wife and former Dodgers CEO Jamie McCourt's nephew.

Ted Lilly was not the Cubs' best pitcher for one million years; he was the Cubs' best pitcher for 3.5 years.

Lastly, since your wife is also at home during a Wednesday afternoon Cubs/Dodgers game, she has no right to criticize your lack of employment.

Doink Doink.

-

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