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The Cubs are done. Now what? Why should I watch?
-Debbie, Downers Grove IL
Exotic side bets and drinking games.
For example . . .
* Will Carlos Zambrano have more hits than wins this season?
* Over/Under: Number of Cubs to miss games due to facial injuries: 3.5.
* Take a shot every time Len Kasper sighs heavily before saying "Well, partner" to Bob Brenly.
* Shotgun a beer every time Geovany Soto's bottom hand flies off the bat and causes him to wince.
* Take a bite out of a full can of Old Style the next time you hear the public announcer say: "Pitching and batting sixth . . . Carlos Zambrano!"
* Pound a bottle of cheap chardonnay every time the ceremonial first pitch is faster than a Doug Davis slider.
Does Zambrano have a point? Are the Cubs really playing like a Triple-A team?
-Paul, Palos Park IL
That's an insult to the Iowa Cubs.
Mike Quade is always looking for positives and I f&%$ing hate it! Is he delusional?
-Stu, Palatine IL
Speaking of almost a Triple-A team, I peered into my crystal ball last night (read: empty bottle of Evan Williams whiskey) and was greeted by a vision of the August 2nd lineup card Mike Quade is going to be forced to write out due to injury and lack of production:
1. Tony Campana, CF
2. Darwin Barney, 2B
3. Starlin Castro, SS
4. DJ LeMahieu, 3B
5. Lou Montanez, RF
6. Tyler Colvin, 1B
7. Fernando Perez, LF
8. Welington Castillo, C
9. Rodrigo Lopez, P
You play the hand you're dealt, but you can't bully or bluff in baseball.
I've noticed a lot of alcohol spokesmen doing cool things on commercials during Cubs games - the Dos Equis guy is cooking sti rfry with a mountain lion; Captain Morgan does a gainer off the plank in front a bunch of rum craving seamen; Keith Stone seems to get all the pretty ladies despite being homeless; Michael Imperioli is always angry about tequila . . . The point is, how about a Cubs mascot?
-DeTroy, Rock City IL
We had one named Santo, but unfortunately he's moved on.
Damn, Tony Campana is swimming in that uniform. Who else is invited to his pajama party?
-Megan, Fox Lake IL
You win again, the Internet. Thanks for making me feel like a geezer and a nerd.
[Editors Note: Carl should have realized he was a total baseball nerd when he also found himself Googling "What is Rey Sanchez up to?"]
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Posted on Mar 16, 2018