Breakfast In America: Which EPL Team Are You?

Original Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report writer Eric Emery has given up American football and is now devoted to the real kind. As such, he begins today a new column called Breakfast in America, with the goal of spreading interest in the beautiful game - satisfying his wife's wishes that he "write more" in exchange for watching more footy.

Which EPL team should you support?

This a multifaceted decision that takes careful consideration. It took me five months of careful research and meditation before settling on the Cherries of AFC Bournemouth. One way to proceed is to think about which presidential candidate you support, because that tells you a lot about which teams you should consider.

Candidate: Donald Trump

Teams: Manchester United, Manchester City, Arsenal, Chelsea

Why: Like Trump, these teams talk about the past (like it was better) and making football great by revising football structures like the Champions League, but they are really about lining their own pockets. Unsurprisingly, their fans have little grasp of reality. Look to YouTube for examples.


Candidate: Hillary Clinton

Teams: Liverpool, Everton, Sunderland

Why: Like Clinton, these clubs were best before 1992 (and incidentally, before the Premier League existed). Fans of these clubs do not connect with the 2016 version of their clubs, they connect with the 1989 version. As such, they think these clubs are more virtuous than they are, but really, these clubs care more for themselves than their supporters.


Candidate: Ted Cruz

Teams: Southampton, Stoke, Tottenham, Watford, West Bromwich Albion

Why: Like Cruz, these clubs think their teams were great (but never were) and think they are better than they actually are. And when push comes to shove, you might think they will actually beat Trump but will fail on many different levels.


Candidate: Bernie Sanders

Teams: Bournemouth, West Ham, Swansea, Burnley, Leicester

Why: These fans have the most fun because nobody really expects them to win anything and they know the system is fixed against them. They identify with the 99% and rail against the 1%. In some alternate universe, perhaps one of these teams do win the league. Sometimes they also can be very annoying on Facebook, posting score updates and articles with little regard to the whims and interests of their friends.At times, they purposely post slanted articles to other teams' walls just to be passive-aggressive. Not that I would ever do such a thing . . .


Candidate: Green, Libertarian, and other third party options

Teams: Middlesborough, Hull City

Why: You might have heard a bit about these teams. They are a bit goofy and pretty obscure. They pop up in the public's consciousness occasionally. Though they have some good strategies, somebody from the other four groups will simply steal them.


Political Football: Understanding The Transfer Market
Teams are presidential candidates, players' agents are special interest groups, and players might be best described abstractly as "ideas," "propaganda" or "spin." The media's role in the transfer market is exactly the same. (Yes, sadly, exactly the same.) To wit: A presidential candidate wants to control how their candidacy is perceived by the voting public, so they float an "idea" or "phrase" out into the press. The football manager does it the same way. They might say "We've been scouting Matt Ritchie." Hopefully, Matt Ritchie says "I'd love to play for Manchester United" and forces the team he is on to sell. The end game is that, as fans, they hope we all think that is a good idea. And they all hope we don't question the validity of the idea.

But players' agents get paid a lot if they cycle their clients into a new team. With that, the player will get a raise. So a player's agent might float an idea. They might say "We are getting interest from three teams." And they hope nobody questions the validity of the claim and the idea is repeated over and over and over so it becomes "true."

And the football media is just like the political media. They repeat things to get internet traffic with little regard to journalistic ethics. But you know, the football media simply covers a silly little game.


Beachwood Sabermetrics: Based on all historical data available from the beginning of time, it is clear that my football season starts before your football season.

Sugar In The Cherry Kool-Aid: After a somewhat poor finish to the season, Cherry Nation is protecting the sugar that goes into the Kool-Aid: the players and (rightfully) worshiped manager. We also hope our beloved team plays the Chicago Fire on July 19th, which will add a tonne of sugar into the drink.

Cherry Nation Population: 2: Me and my high school friend who lives in Montana.

Percent Sugar In The Cherry Kool-Aid: 35%


Comments welcome.

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