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Breakfast In America: The Guaranteed Rate EPL

Last week the Chicago White Sox announced a name change to their pedestrian field. Apparently, the mountain of cash lessened concerns about tying the club's image to an economic sector with a pretty bad image.

The good news is that the White Sox will have more money to spend on free agents. And when I say free agents, I mean more 30-some-year-old retreads who want one more chance at glory - or one last payday.

In the English Premier League, clubs are preparing for Wednesday's closing of the transfer window, after which teams cannot sign a new player until January. Some clubs have a mountain of cash. Some clubs have cash from selling players days and weeks earlier. Still others are called Hull City and even though they have six points in three games, the current owners are trying to sell the club and they don't want to spend any money.

The good news is that there is time to monetize something, anything, to pay for a new player by Wednesday. By following the White Sox's example, here are some ideas:

Southampton: Approach Liverpool's sponsors for similar deals. Overcome the apparent conflict of interest by rightly pointing out that half the team will be sold to Liverpool anyway.

Chelsea: Have Russian owner Roman Abramovich's Russian IT department hack and blackmail Chelsea Clinton.

Everton: Start a GoFundMe page reminding England that rival city Manchester supports two elite teams and the only way to defeat Manchester's douchiness is to make Everton financially superior.

Middlesborough: Use red and white colors to sell "Make Middlesborough Great Again" hats in recognition of their 1976 Anglo-Scottish Cup victory. Remember, the effort is totally not a dog whistle to white supremacists because anybody can be proud of Anglos.

Arsenal: Bottle supporter rage directed to an obviously dysfunctional ownership and market it to the U.S. voter so they realize the rage should be directed to an obviously dysfunctional Congress.

AFC Bournemouth: Partner with Spirit Airlines to create a fee program including a £10 "ticket handling charge" to those who don't check in from home, a £20 "scarf handling charge" for scarves over 12 inches long, and a £30 "cherry handling charge" for cherries.

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Beachwood Sabermetrics: Based on all historical data available from the beginning of time, if you don't beat Crystal Palace, you better beat the team that aspires to finish 15th every year.

Brunch Special: All you can eat goals: The restaurant is closed for an international break.

Population of the Cherry Nation: Seven, same as two weeks ago. Me, my high school friend who lives in Montana, the new Bournemouth signing American Emerson Hyndman (whose home kit is sponsored by us ), a guy in Florida, and three guys from a Facebook AFCB fan page.

Sugar in the Cherry Kool-Aid: Like actual Kool-Aid, you don't expect one ice cube to keep your drink cool for 90 minutes. When you do that, the Kool-Aid to sugar ratio becomes diluted and you watch your team score on inspired football over 20 minutes and play defensive, crap football for 70, only to give up the equalizer in stoppage time. Then the tepid Kool-Aid mixture gets thrown at the TV.

Percent Sugar in the Cherry Kool-Aid: This Week: 45%. Last Week: 55%.

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Previously in Breakfast In America:
* Which EPL Team Are You?

* Know Your Terminology.

* Lowest Common Denominator™.

* Recruitment Do's And Don'ts.

* Aboard The Dethloon Express.

* Race To The Bottom.

* My Aunt's Nuts.

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Breakfast In America on Facebook.

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Eric Emery is our man on the EPL and the EPT. He welcomes your comments.

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