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Not that anybody is going to put out a missing persons report for a football (not handegg) writer, but it's been eight weeks since my last column. Here's the problem: I just haven't felt funny.
I've spent my time circling the drain of despair, wondering what we've wrought. And it's all become a cycle of "We're-doomed-maybe-I'm-overreacting-we-have-checks-and-balances-but-neither-of-the-other-branches-nor-our-political-parties-nor-citizens-have-the-ability-or-will-we're-doomed."
Yet, over the past eight weeks, my enjoyment of football (not handegg) couldn't have been better. Each week continues to bring surprises, cracking goals and narrative twists to keep me fully engaged. And in my NFL trolling realm, my grad school text/data mining analysis project on "#NFL tweets" was so well received that not only did my prof write a great recommendation on LinkedIn, he offered to serve as a reference.
Then I figured out the reason behind my trepidation in one realm and nearly blind joy for the other realm: my familiarity and history with a subject is directly correlated with how jaded I am. For current events, I turned into an avid reader of current events, history and cultures after 9/11. As for football (and not handegg, damn it), I'm pretty new. So I have no reason to feel bitter.
Until three days ago. Teams may arrange for new players twice a year. January serves as the mid-year window. Chelsea loaned Nathan Ake to my beloved Bournemouth in July, only to recall him days ago. We were really hoping to make his move permanent, yet now a big club once again flexed their muscles. To compensate for this big defensive hole, we reached out to Chelsea to get John Terry instead.
For the first time, the Jade-O-Meter moved off zero. For background, here is some history.
We need a Central Defender. But he's an f'n prick.
Let me draw an analogy. Terry is universally hated by fans, unless you happen to be a Chelsea supporter. Then you love the guy. It would be like Ray Lewis being traded to your football (handegg) team late in his career. You know you need a middle linebacker and strong leadership. But you also know you absolutely hate the guy.
It could be worse. It's bad enough that we have a president-elect willing to tread heavily upon democratic institutions. It could be worse. He could name some people to Cabinet positions who openly disdain their perspective departments. Here is the Cabinet position, the nominee, and how they might destroy the department:
Wait, he's doing that too. Shit. Satire really is dead.
Okay, here are some things Trump would do to Make The English Premier League Great Again. #MEPLGA
- Limit work visas so English teams could only sign Americans.
- Call out teams on Twitter for paying big transfer fees to foreign clubs.
- Accept a donation from Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich and declare himself a Chelsea fan.
- Point out that Crooked Hillary stole her daughter's name from the Chelsea Football Club.
- Declare that we can work together with Chelsea because some clubs have an arsenal of guns, like Arsenal for instance.
- Having openly asked Roman Abramovich for ill-gotten scouting reports on other teams in September, deny the usefulness of said scouting reports in January.
- Like Roman Abramovich simply because he is Russian.
- Call ESPN FC "fake news."
- Acquire six of the current 20 Premier League teams; trot out lawyer to explain why failing to divest will not cause a conflict of interest when becoming Premier League President.
- Make fun of West Ham United's Slaven Bilic's pronounced limp.
- Partner with Vince McMahon to create new league called "Extreme Premier League."
Beachwood Sabermetrics: Based on all historical data available from the beginning of time, don't try to read about the fall of the Roman Empire.
Brunch Special (A Buffet of Goals): Hull City vs Bournemouth. In the first match, Bournemouth slotted home six against Hull. Hull returns home after a midweek League Cup match where they foolishly tried. Bournemouth is scoring and giving up goals for fun as of late. Besides, Bournemouth's majority owner is Russian and a minority owner is a Chicago-based hedge fund. Geopolitically, things are looking up for the Cherries.
Population of the Cherry Nation: 7. Me, my high school friend who lives in Montana, the new Bournemouth signing American Emerson Hyndman (whose home kit is sponsored by us and on load to Glasgow Rangers), a guy in Florida, and a three guys from a Facebook AFCB fan page.
Sugar in the Cherry Kool-Aid: In my last column, I expressed despair at losing to a very poor Sunderland squad. Since then, the Cherries laid a couple turds, but did earn 13 points in nine matches, moving them to 9th. With three relatively poor teams up next, the Cherries have an opportunity on consolidate their position as a "pretty good mid-table team."
On the worrisome side, rumors continue to fly that Bournemouth manager Eddie Howe will be courted heavily to go to Arsenal, which would be devastating.
Like actual Kool-Aid, your mother removed the sugar moratorium after your outburst caused six hours of cleaning. Besides a couple isolated incidents, she believes you may deserve normal levels of sugar. She does remember that you've had some behavior problems when going out to eat, however, so she's still being a little careful with the sugar intake.
Percent Sugar in the Cherry Kool-Aid: This Week: 60%. Last Week (eight weeks ago): 0%.
Previously in Breakfast In America:
* Which EPL Team Are You?
Eric Emery is our man on the EPL and the EPT. He welcomes your comments.