Beachwood Sports ArchiveA monthly look back
Beachwood Sports VideoPlease Stop Believing 99 Years of Cub Losses The 1908 Song Blame It On Bartman We Can't Wait 100 Years Dusty Must Get Fired
Search The Beachwood Reporter
Subscribe to the Newsletter
Because only a small handful of clubs have won the English Premier League championship, it's often more fun to talk about the three worst teams each year that will be relegated - demoted to, confusingly, the Championship league.
So with a new EPL season starting Saturday, it's time to discuss the race to the bottom. Here are the reasons your team will be relegated:
Everton: Dame Judi Dench and Sir Paul McCartney are avid supporters. As you know, a club can't have that many great things.
Middlesbrough: The club that sounds the most English will earn relegation because that's what the most English club should do.
Bournemouth: All kidding aside, Bournemouth will not be relegated. Let's not joke around about that. Will they win the league? No. But we'll easily avoid relegation and I can start planning a visit to Bournemouth in 2017.
Sunderland: They play at "The Stadium of Light," which is a pretension deserving of punishment.
Manchester United: Releasing a player four years ago only to pay $100 million to get him back isn't a good business model.
West Bromwich Albion: After Chinese businessmen buys club, President Trump invades WBA and makes players produce Trump clothing line.
Arsenal: President Clinton will invade Arsenal based on faulty intelligence and logic because a name like that "has weapons of mass destruction."
Tottenham: Tottenham always finishes behind bitter rival Arsenal. See above.
Liverpool: U.S. viewership explodes and club gets distracted with 2.42 million e-mails asking, "Hey, is this where the Beatles are from?"
Stoke City: After losing first two fixtures, supporters refer to club as "Choke City." Players feel much shame.
Manchester City: After concentrating so much on beating crosstown rival Manchester United, they forfeit every other match.
Leicester City: Nobody thought they'd win the league last year. Nobody expects them to be relegated this year. They simply like to surprise people.
Hull City: We probably shouldn't make fun of the obvious.
Swansea City: EPL marketing department pushes a new rule limiting the number of "City"-named clubs in the Premier League.
Chelsea: To compete against Trump and his children, Chelsea Clinton buys Chelsea from Russian oligarch Roman Abramovich. In a huge branding mistake, she renames the club "Chelsea!"
Crystal Palace: Club finally realizes that their name sounds too much like a strip club to ever be taken seriously. Fans revolt after pregame singing of "Glad All Over" is replaced with "Girls Girls Girls."
Burnley FC: Burnley struggles with self-doubt for having defend that they are actually a Football Club.
Watford: Lifelong supporter and two-time owner Elton John fights to own the club for a third time. To celebrate, John produces a third version of "Candle in the Wind" on cassette tape. The massive loss bankrupts the club.
Southampton: I don't have to have a good reason. They will finish behind Bournemouth. Okay, fine, here is one: They stink.
West Ham: Club implodes after realizing West Ham is in East London.
Beachwood Sabermetrics: Based on all historical data available from the beginning of time, you might as well become a soccer fan. I watched the Bears at Fan Fest this weekend and they stink.
Population of the Cherry Nation: Six, up two from last week. Me; my high school friend who lives in Montana; the new Bournemouth signing American Emerson Hyndman; a guy in Florida; and a couple guys from a AFCB Facebook fan page.
Sugar in the Cherry Kool-Aid: This Week: 60%. Last Week: 100%.
Previously in Breakfast In America:
* Which EPL Team Are You?
Eric Emery is our man on the EPL and the EPT. He welcomes your comments.
The ultimate homer directs a lovefest as ridiculous and far from the truth as his broadcasts.Continue reading "Hawk Harrelson Goes Out As Awfully As He Broadcasted" »
Posted on Sep 17, 2018