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Breakfast In America: Our Ann Coulter

On Labor Day, Comedy Central aired The Roast of Rob Lowe. Early on, it was pretty clear the dais, the audience, and humanity in general was more thrilled with roasting attendee Ann Coulter.

Finally, here was a chance to satirically skewer Coulter's vile views. Alas, the other attendees devolved into a series of personal attacks and insults. Like a well-crossed pass into the six-yard box, rational thought missed the goal.

Meanwhile, I've found myself more publicly critical of the NFL since the start of the season. I wonder if I'm becoming the Ann Coulter of soccer fans.

So let's combine the two to show how vile and caustic one would be if we edited Ann Coulter quotes to be unreasonably pro-soccer and anti-NFL:

* "American football fans love America like O.J. loved Nicole."

* "We should invade their countries, kill their leaders, and convert them to soccer fans."

* "My only regret with Timothy McVeigh is he did not go to the NFL headquarters."

* "Press passes can't be that hard to come by if ESPN allows that old NFL fan Helen Thomas to sit within yards of the president."

* "Perhaps, someday, NFL fans will win the right to be treated like volitional human beings. But not yet."

* "If I'm going to say anything about Roger Goodell in the future, I'll just wish he had been killed in a terrorist assassination plot."

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Bonus Roast: I'm not convinced Peyton Manning is super wonderful, so I'd have this one for him:

"Peyton, props to you on your recent interview on Fox News. Everybody should have known you'd be great on Fox News. Even in college, you sexually harassed and dog whistled at a pro level."

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Beachwood Sabermetrics: Based on all historical data available from the beginning of time, if you are interested in soccer and you are a Bears fan, you might as well support West Bromwich Albion. Their coach sports a track suit, they hate spending money, and they are always in the bottom half of the table.

Brunch Special: All You Can Eat Goals: Chelsea v Liverpool - Liverpool llloovvveeessss goals. In fact, they don't mind it when the other team scores. Their back line is as porous as the Chicago Bears' offensive line. And Chelsea has dark wizard and wrestling heel Diego Costa to score late in games. Expect plenty of goals and late game drama.

Population of the Cherry Nation: Seven, same as two weeks ago. Me, my high school friend who lives in Montana, the new Bournemouth signing American Emerson Hyndman (whose home kit is sponsored by us ), a guy in Florida, and a three guys from a Facebook AFCB fan page.

Sugar in the Cherry Kool-Aid: The Cherry Nation added 30% more in net sugar after seeing Callum Wilson score a dandy back heel redirect to earn three points against West Brom. Jack Wilshire came off the bench to refocus the attack to help make it happen. The Cherry Nation subtracted 15% in net sugar after realizing the next match is against league-leading Manchester City at The Etihad.

Percent sugar in the Cherry Kool-Aid: This Week: 60%. Last Week: 45%.

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Previously in Breakfast In America:
* Which EPL Team Are You?

* Know Your Terminology.

* Lowest Common Denominator™.

* Recruitment Do's And Don'ts.

* Aboard The Dethloon Express.

* Race To The Bottom.

* My Aunt's Nuts.

* The Guaranteed Rate EPL.

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Breakfast In America on Facebook.

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Eric Emery is our man on the EPL and the EPT. He welcomes your comments.

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