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Breakfast In America: My Aunt's Nuts

"If the season ended today . . . "

One of the silliest pastimes is to utter the words "If the season (or election) ended today, X would win."

American philosopher and old-timey crap QB punching bag Jim Rome once said, "If my aunt had nuts, she'd be my uncle."

But for some reason, if my aunt had nuts somebody would complain about him using the bathroom conforming to his gender identity.

But if the season did end today, Hull City, with their 13 fit senior players, would be in the Champions League next year (super unlikely) and AFC Bournemouth would be relegated.

And as I shared last week that will never happen with all metaphysical certainty.

Here are other things that would happen if the season ended today:

* Zlatan Ibrahimovic would have not said anything ridiculous this year.

* Arsenal's Arsene Wenger would have had his ties unflipped by Jose Mourinho.

• The Cubs would go directly to the playoffs, where they would lose.

• The White Sox would go directly home, where they would continue to tell themselves that "We are one 32-year-old retread away from post-season glory."

* Bears fans would not have had a chance to boo the team instead of booing the management.

* Hillary Clinton would still be able to use e-mail a little too well.

* And most importantly, we would not yet have to utter the words "President Donald Trump."


Beachwood Sabermetrics: Based on all historical data available from the beginning of time, if you play defense it is best not to kick the ball to other team in a scoring position, twice.

Brunch Special: All you can eat goals. Leicester vs. Arsenal - Leicester seems disoriented, which usually leads to goals. Arsenal looks in midseason form in scoring, giving up, and probably throwing close games.

Population of the Cherry Nation: Seven, up one from last week. Me, my high school friend who lives in Montana, the new Bournemouth signing American Emerson Hyndman (whose home kit is sponsored by us), a guy in Florida, and a three guys from a Facebook AFCB fan page.

Sugar in the Cherry Kool-Aid: Like actual Kool-Aid, sometimes you invite a rich person over and all he does is complain about how much sugar is in his Kool-Aid. Sometimes you just have to realize you can't afford all that sugar.

Percent Sugar in the Cherry Kool-Aid: This Week: 55% Last Week: 60%


Previously in Breakfast In America:
* Which EPL Team Are You?

* Know Your Terminology.

* Lowest Common Denominator™.

* Recruitment Do's And Don'ts.

* Aboard The Dethloon Express.

* Race To The Bottom.


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Eric Emery is our man on the EPL and the EPT. He welcomes your comments.

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