Beachwood Sports ArchiveA monthly look back
Beachwood Sports VideoPlease Stop Believing 99 Years of Cub Losses The 1908 Song Blame It On Bartman We Can't Wait 100 Years Dusty Must Get Fired
Search The Beachwood Reporter
Subscribe to the Newsletter
A month ago, I asked you to "imagine, for a moment, that a person exists at the intersection of Venn diagrams Trump Hater, Chicago Bears Fan Troll, and AFC Bournemouth Supporter. That person just had a pretty damn good week.
Of course that was me.
But now, imagine that a person exists at the intersection of Venn diagrams Trump Hater, AFC Bournemouth Supporter, and Leonard Cohen fan.
Of course that was me too.
When times are tough, I start thinking about a simpler time. For instance, I remember learning about the Electoral College in high school. I distinctly remember my teacher stating that the Electoral College is there in case we vote for somebody who is a threat to democracy itself. Voters cannot be not trusted to avoid extreme populism and demagoguery.
I'm pretty low on inspiration, but I'm sure the English Premier League can keep the light of democracy lit before we fall into our dystopian darkness.
In fact, I've just learned the favorite inspirational quotes about democracy of several EPL personalities.
Name: Mark Hughes, manager, Stoke City
Quote: "An 'extremely credible source' has called my office and told me that Barack Obama's birth certificate is a fraud."
Name: Demetri Payet, midfielder, West Ham United
Quote: "When Mexico sends its people, they're not sending the best. They're not sending you, they're sending people that have lots of problems and they're bringing those problems with us. They're bringing drugs. They're bring crime. They're rapists . . . And some, I assume, are good people."
Name: Wayne Rooney, no known position, Manchester United
Quote: "By the way, if she gets to pick her judges, nothing you can do, folks. Although the Second Amendment people, maybe there is, I don't know."
Name: Callum Wilson, striker, AFC Bournemouth
Quote: "His wife, she was standing there, she had nothing to say. She probably - maybe she wasn't allowed to have anything to say."
Name: Tim Heaton, goalkeeper, Burnley
Quote: "Russia, if you're listening, I hope you're able to find the 30,000 e-mails that are missing. I think you will probably be rewarded mightily by our press."
Name: David Luiz, central defender, Chelsea
Quote: "I've been treated very unfairly by this judge. Now, this judge is of Mexican heritage. I'm building a wall, OK? I'm building a wall."
Name: Kevin DeBruyne, midfielder, Mancester City
Quote: "40 Wall Street actually was the second-tallest building in downtown Manhattan (before 9/11) . . . And now it's the tallest."
Name: Saido Mane, midfielder, Liverpool
Quote: "I love the old days, you know? You know what I hate? There's a guy totally disruptive, throwing punches, we're not allowed punch back anymore . . . I'd like to punch him in the face, I'll tell ya."
Name: Diego Costa, striker, Chelsea
Quote: "There may be somebody with tomatoes in the audience. If you see somebody getting ready to throw a tomato, knock the crap out of them, would you? Seriously. Okay? Just knock the hell - I promise you, I will pay for the legal fees."
Name: Shkodran Mustafi, defender, Arsenal
Quote: "You could see there was blood coming out of her eyes. Blood coming out of her wherever."
Name: Gareth McAuley, defender, West Bromwich Albion
Quote: "Look at my African American over here!"
Name: Jordan Pickford, goalkeeper, Sunderland
Quote: "[Ted Cruz's] father was with Lee Harvey Oswald prior to Oswald's being - you know, shot. I mean, the whole thing is ridiculous. What is this, right prior to his being shot, and nobody even brings it up. They don't even talk about that. That was reported, and nobody talks about it."
Name: Romelu Lukaku, striker, Everton
Quote: "If the disgusting and corrupt media covered me honestly and didn't put false meaning into the words I say, I would be beating Hillary by 20%,"
Name: Michail Antonio, midfielder, West Ham United
Quote: "No, I meant he's the founder of ISIS. I do. He was the Most Valuable Player. I give him the Most Valuable Player award."
Beachwood Sabermetrics: Based on all historical data available from the beginning of time, perhaps the silliest argument I've ever heard is when somebody claims that when they are called racist, that is just intolerance and they are being bullied.
Brunch Special: It's hard saying. I'm probably going to be eating food from a can in my safe room before this is posted.
Population of the Cherry Nation: Seven. Me, my high school friend who lives in Montana, the new Bournemouth signing American Emerson Hyndman (whose home kit is sponsored by us ), a guy in Florida, and a three guys from a Facebook AFCB fan page.
Sugar in the Cherry Kool-Aid: We found a way to lose to Sunderland 2-1. They gave us every chance. But that happened nine days ago and I don't care anymore.
Like actual Kool-Aid, you made a mess of everything. Your mom is following through with her threat to use Splenda. She's also curious if the English Supernanny can come over and run things instead, like it was done over 250 years ago.
Percent Sugar in the Cherry Kool-Aid: This Week: 0%. Last Week: 40%.
Previously in Breakfast In America:
* Which EPL Team Are You?
Eric Emery is our man on the EPL and the EPT. He welcomes your comments.