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Imagine, for a moment, that a person exists at the intersection of Venn diagrams "Trump Hater," "Chicago Bears Fan Troll" and "AFC Bournemouth Supporter." That person just had a pretty damn good week.
That person is me.
Through my elation, however, I uncovered an unpleasant truth: People are on edge. And it seems that saying "Chill Out!" won't do the trick. In many people's minds, there is a lot at stake in this election. And the Bears gave up a 13-point lead at home to a very, very, very pedestrian Jaguars team. Oh, and the Cubs are 1-1 in the National League Championship Series, having dropped a game to the Dodgers at Wrigley to lose home-field advantage. So, frankly, nobody is going to chill out until 2017.
We certainly cannot look to English football for great guidance, because that scene isn't one to utter the words "Serenity Now." But, for once, I believe English football is calmer than the U.S. populace. So perhaps a few key pieces of advice will at least incrementally improve the mood here at home.
- Go into the streets and start singing the Yaya/Kolo Toure song. You'll be supporting a chubby player too!
- Sing "Glad All Over" with Crystal Palace.
- Watch the AFC Bournemouth documentary about their rise from the fourth level of football to the Premier League.
- Sing "I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles" with West Ham. And yes, they actually blow bubbles.
- Listen to Liverpool's "You Never Walk Alone" over footage of their 3-goal Champions League final comeback against AC Milan.
- Don't be like this Chicago Bears fan.
Beachwood Sabermetrics: Based on all historical data available from the beginning of time, beating a team 6-1 is roughly the equivalent to a handegg ball-team winning 42-7. I'm sure Bears fans remember that one time that happened because their nickname is based on one goddamn game.
Brunch Special: All You Can Eat Goals: Tottenham v Bournemouth - Many people love a good seafood brunch. But because I'm allergic to shellfish, I hate it. Tottenham beat Bournemouth 5-1 twice last year. So you enjoy the peel-and-eat and I'll go to the store for Benadryl.
Population of the Cherry Nation: Seven. Me, my high school friend who lives in Montana, the new Bournemouth signing American Emerson Hyndman (whose home kit is sponsored by us ), a guy in Florida, and a three guys from a Facebook AFCB fan page.
Sugar in the Cherry Kool-Aid: Sure, Hull City stinks. But beating them is one thing, but winning 6-1 is a whole different thing. But like actual Kool-Aid, your mom calls her mother-in-law as an emergency babysitter. Grammy brings vodka so she can "get through the day." And since you've been cool all day, she lets you sip from her grape/vodka elixir. It causes a weird feeling. But it's a good weird, a feeling you know won't last but you hope you don't feel like crap the next day. Like when you have to play Tottenham on Saturday at 6:30 a.m. CT.
Percent Sugar in the Cherry Kool-Aid: This Week: 242%. Last Week: 75%.
Previously in Breakfast In America:
* Which EPL Team Are You?
Eric Emery is our man on the EPL and the EPT. He welcomes your comments.
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Posted on May 22, 2019