Sports

Beachwood Exclusive: The Short List For New Cubs P.A. Announcer

By The Beachwood Broadcast Bureau

The Cubs are advertising for a new public address announcer, but Beachwood Sports has learned that the team has already compiled a short list of candidates.

* David Axelrod: Because he knows all about false hope.

* Steve Stone: Would not only tell you who's up, but what he's gonna do.

* Alfonso Soriano: At least they would get something out of the remainder of his contract.

* Blago: Could do it from his jail cell via Skype.

* Dock Walls: Somebody has to finally give him a job.

* Rahm Emanuel: P.A. would have to be on a seven-second delay.

* @MayorEmanuel: P.A. would have to be on a seven-second delay.

* Charlie Sheen: At least there'd be one winner in the Cubs organization.

* Bill Kurtis and Walter Jacobson: They're gonna need a new gig soon anyway.

* Todd Ricketts: Family looking for soft landing after disastrous Undercover Boss appearance.

* Michael Buffer: Let's get ready to crumble!

* Sheila Simon: Being lieutenant governor leaves her with plenty of free time.

* Straight No Chaser: Would also handle "Take Me Out To The Ballgame."

* A Recording Of Whoever Did It Last Year: Because not much has changed.

* Bob Rohrman: After all, there's only one.

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