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The Beachwood Bowl Series

A guide to the college bowl season for your viewing and wagering pleasure.

San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl
San Diego, California - Dec. 19, 2006 7:00 p.m. CST - ESPN2
Northern Illinois vs. Texas Christian University
Favorability ratings for Texas Christians at all-time low. Huskies in a landslide.

Pioneer PureVision Las Vegas Bowl
Las Vegas, Nevada - Dec. 21, 2006 7:00 p.m. CST - ESPN
Oregon vs. BYU
The only winner in Vegas is Vegas. Take the house.

R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl
New Orleans, Louisiana - Dec. 22, 2006 7:00 p.m. CST - ESPN2
Troy vs. Rice
Troy Smith just won the Heisman, but Jerry Rice was pretty fuckin' good. Take the all-time greatest wide receiver. Bowl
Birmingham, Alabama - Dec. 23, 2006 12:00 p.m. CST - ESPN2
East Carolina vs. South Florida
Apparently the paternalistic pizza baron's crack online division is able to invent states. Or did we miss the part where the Outer Banks seceded? And before you say it, yes we're aware there's no South Florida either.But at least there's, like, a Florida, you know? Back the real state, people.

New Mexico Bowl
Albuquerque, New Mexico - Dec. 23, 2006 3:30 p.m. CST - ESPN
New Mexico vs. San Jose State
Formerly played in the Immigration Bowl, until the border patrol built a fence around the stadium and corporate sponsors lost interest. The Beachwood wagering system generally prohibits backing a school named after an imaginary state, so Go Lobos.

The Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl
Fort Worth, Texas - Dec. 23, 2006 7:00 p.m. CST - ESPN
Tulsa vs. Utah
The real armed forces must be busy. We predict this one will last way too long and no one will win

Sheraton Hawaii Bowl
Honolulu, Hawaii - Dec. 24, 2006 7:00 p.m. CST - ESPN
Arizona State vs. Hawaii
Visiting Arizona State isn't very good, but they are staying at a Holiday Inn. Plus, the Beachwood wagering system generally backs the forces of evil. Sun Devils torment Warriors.

Motor City Bowl
Detroit, Michigan - Dec. 26, 2006 6:30 p.m. CST - ESPN
Central Michigan vs. Middle Tennessee
If Central Michigan loses, it is forced to change its name back to Detroit. If Middle Tennesse loses, it is forced to change its name back to Middle Earth Tennessee. Fine print forces loser to play in the GMAC Bowl for next 10 years.

Emerald Bowl
San Francisco, California - Dec. 27, 2006 7:00 p.m. CST - ESPN
Florida State vs. UCLA
Invoking the mascot battle rule, in hand-to-hand combat I'm thinking Chief Osceola would get clobbered by a bruin, with or without Renegade. Take UCLA

PetroSun Independence Bowl
Shreveport, Louisiana - Dec. 28, 2006 3:30 p.m. CST - ESPN
Oklahoma State vs. Alabama
Well, Alabama's last attempt to gain independence didn't really pan out that well, so . . . Oklahoma State.

Pacific Life Holiday Bowl
San Diego, California - Dec. 28, 2006 7:00 p.m. CST - ESPN
Texas A&M vs. California
California just has more to offer the holiday traveler.

Texas Bowl
Houston, Texas - Dec. 28, 2006 7:00 p.m. CST - NFL Network
Rutgers vs. Kansas State
Winner must relocate to Texas. Rutgers throws the game.

Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl
Nashville, Tennessee - Dec. 29, 12:00 p.m. CST - ESPN
Kentucky vs. Clemson
Clemson's never played the Opry before. Advantage Kentucky.

Brut Sun Bowl
El Paso, Texas - Dec. 29, 2006 1:00 p.m. CST - CBS
Missouri vs. Oregon State
We hate to lean on the mascot thing, but the Beavers? What are they going to do, dam up the Rio Grande? Take Missouri.

AutoZone Liberty Bowl
Memphis, Tennessee - Dec. 29, 2006 3:30 p.m. CST - ESPN
Houston vs. South Carolina
Winner gets free oil changes for incoming freshmen and their Ferraris. The loser is allowed to the appeal to the Independence Bowl. South Carolina wants it more.

Insight Bowl
Tempe, Arizona - Dec. 29, 2006 6:30 p.m. CST - NFL Network
Minnesota vs. Texas Tech
It's the alliterative color bowl, as the Red Raiders take on the Golden Gophers. We don't know what a Raider is exactly, but we do know the medal they give you for first place ain't red. Take Minnesota.

Champs Sports Bowl
Orlando, Florida - Dec. 29, 2006 7:00 p.m. CST - ESPN
Purdue vs. Maryland
Once again, in a mascot showdown that Boilermaker train would crush the hell out of a freakin' turtle. Back Purdue.

Meineke Car Care Bowl
Charlotte, North Carolina - Dec. 30, 2006 12:00 p.m. CST - ESPN
Boston College vs. Navy
We have to believe our military can win something. Navy.

Alamo Bowl
San Antonio, Texas - Dec. 30, 2006 3:30 p.m. CST - ESPN
Texas vs. Iowa
Despite the fact that the original Battle of the Alamo ended in defeat for the Texan rebels, it did set the stage for separation from Mexico. So a slight edge to the Longhorns this time.

Chick-fil-A Bowl
Atlanta, Georgia - Dec. 30, 2006 7 p.m. CST - ESPN
Virginia Tech vs. Georgia
Formerly the Taco Bell Bowl, until all concessions had to be recalled. The original matchup, by the way, was Virginia Tech vs. Google, but Google received a late invitation to the World Domination Bowl.

MPC Computers Bowl
Boise, Idaho - Dec. 31, 2006 6:30 p.m. CST - ESPN
Nevada vs. Miami
Miami wins by seven porn sites.

AT&T Cotton Bowl
Dallas, Texas - Jan. 1, 2007 10:30 a.m. CST - FOX
Nebraska vs. Auburn
Auburn accepted bid to MCI Bowl, but got slammed into AT&T Bowl. Nebraska distracted by suspicious line charges. Auburn wins.

Outback Bowl
Tampa, Florida - Jan. 1, 2007 10:00 a.m. CST - ESPN
Penn State vs. Tennessee
Nittany Lions is English for Koala Bears. Volunteers will be tired from also playing in Armed Forces Bowl. Penn State wins and gets automatic bid to next year's Kalahari Bushmen Bowl.

Toyota Gator Bowl
Jacksonville, Florida - Jan. 1, 2007 12:00 p.m. CST - CBS
Georgia Tech vs. West Virginia
Original matchup was Georgia Tech vs. Yahoo. Oh wait, it still is. Tech's superior search function overwhelms Mountaineers.

Capital One Bowl
Orlando, Florida - Jan. 1, 2007 12:00 p.m. CST - ABC
Arkansas vs. Wisconsin
Loser gets David Spade for next year's commencement speech. Arkansas has neither TV nor credit cards yet, so Razorbacks win/lose.

Rose Bowl Presented by Citi
Pasadena, California - Jan. 1, 2007 4:00 p.m. CST - ABC
USC vs. Michigan
University of South Central is way more citi than Ann Arbor. In tribute to Bo Schembechler, Michigan loses another bowl game.

Tostitos Fiesta Bowl
Tempe, Arizona - Jan. 1, 2007 7:30 p.m. CST - FOX
Boise State vs. Oklahoma
Blue home field way more festive than third-rate high school musical. Boise State wins the Giant Chip.

FedEx Orange Bowl
Miami, Florida - Jan. 2, 2007 7:00 p.m. CST - FOX
Wake Forest vs. Louisville
Demon Deacons beat Cardinals because evil always wins.

Allstate Sugar Bowl
New Orleans, Lousiana - Jan. 3, 2007 7:00 p.m. CST - FOX
Notre Dame vs. LSU
Allstate takes time from screwing New Orleans homeowners out of Katrina insurance money to host a bowl game in the Superdome. Notre Dame feels too guilty to win. LSU wins lower deductibles.

International Bowl
Toronto, Canada - Jan. 6, 2007 11 a.m. CST - ESPN2
Western Michigan vs. Cincinnati
Because you can't find two schools with more international flavor than Western Michigan and Cincinnati. Winner gets seat on United Nations Security Council. Refs rig game for Cincy because they think they are the Reds.

Mobile, Alabama - Jan. 7, 2007 7:00 p.m. CST - ESPN
Southern Miss vs. Ohio
0 percent financing for all ticket-buyers. Please, someone buy a ticket. This one ends in a scoreless tie.

The Tostitos BCS National Championship
Phoenix, Arizona - Jan. 8, 2007 7:30 p.m. CST - FOX
Ohio State vs. Florida
That's right, Tostito's is double-dipping. Just to illustrate how ridiculous the BCS system is, let's will the Gators to victory.

- Natasha Julius, Eric Emery, Marty Gangler, Steve Rhodes

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