Sports

Ace Zambrano: Pet Detective

By The Beachwood Big Z Affairs Desk

Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano wants to work with Jim Carrey.
- Tribune, Jan. 18

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Carlos Almighty. Big Z is given godlike powers and begins pointing to himself at the end of each inning. Co-starring Lou Piniella as the real God.

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Ace Zambrano: Pet Detective. Big Z finally becomes the ace we've all expected him to be when he takes on a side job working with Jim Carrey solving pet crimes. Co-starring Ryan Dempster as Harry Caray.

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Man on the Moon: The Tony Clifton Story. Big Z plays lounge lizard Tony Clifton in this sequel to the popular film about Andy Kaufman.

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The Mask II: The Cap. Big Z stars as a major league pitcher whose personality changes dramatically whenever he puts on his baseball cap. Product placement by Gatorade.

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Eternal Sunshine of the Cubs' Mind. Jim Carrey stars as Jim Hendry, whose memory is erased every off-season. Big Z as himself.

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Dumb, Dumber and Dumbest. Big Z joins Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels, who play the latest Cubs free agents to spend a miserable summer at Wrigley Field. Cameos by Milton Bradley, Alfonso Soriano, Aaron Miles, Marlon Byrd and Xavier Nady.

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The Cable Preacher Guy. Big Z as a tele-evangelist with his own public access ministry.

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Me, Myself and My Demons.. Big Z plays "Me" and "Myself" while Jim Carrey plays "My Demons."

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How The Ricketts' Stole Christmas. Also known as: Hope No Longer Floats.

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Horton Hears How Much Zambrano Makes. Guest starring Ted Lilly and Randy Wells.

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Fire Marshall Z. He pounds out fires with his baseball bat.

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Lemony Bill Goat's Series of Unfortunate Events. Jim Carrey plays the Goat; Zambrano plays the goat.

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Fun With Lou And Larry. A madcap starting pitcher puts his manager and pitching coach through their paces. Jim Carrey as Larry Rothschild.

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The Number 38. A sequel to the forgettable Carey thriller The Number 23, a tortured Zambrano is increasingly haunted by visions and nightmares, freakish coincidences and deja vu. by the end of the season, he's been reduced to a raving, incoherent mass . . . oh, wait . . .

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Denier, Denier. A sequel to Liar, Liar in which a major league pitcher who never takes advice from his pitching coach is forced to take advice from everyone and do what they say.

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Another Christmas Carol. With Big Z as Scrooge, Ron Santo as the Ghost of Christmas Past, Lou Piniella as the Ghost of Christmas Present, and Jeff Samardzija as the Ghost of a Christmas Never to Come. Also, Milton Bradley as Marley, Ryan Dempster as good-natured Nephew Fred, Larry Rothschild as Bob Cratchit, and, of course, Mike Fontenot as Tiny Tim.

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- Dan O'Shea, Thomas Chambers, Marty Gangler, Rick Kaempfer, Mike Luce and Steve Rhodes.

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Comments welcome.

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