Chicago - Dec. 10, 2019
Music TV Politics Sports Books People Places & Things
 
Beachwood Politics
Our monthly archive.
Who We Are
Chicago by the numbers.
Sausage Links
Wiki Daley
Wiki Rahm
Illinois Channel
CAN TV
Ralph Martire
Doonesbury
Government Attic
Division Street
Indie Political Report
The Obameter
ProPublica
The Intercept
SCOTUS Blog
American Dream Betrayed

Welcome To The New Chicago Casino!

With Pat Quinn's rubbery spine the only thing left standing between sanity and a dramatic expansion of gambling in Illinois, we might as well start thinking about where the new Chicago casino will be located, along with possible names and themes.

* Capone's, 2135 S. Michigan. The former location of Capone's downtown headquarters, the Lexington Hotel, is perfect: close to McCormick Place with plenty of places to stash getaway cars. Geraldo Rivera could headline.

* Planet Las Vegas, 633 N. Wells. Bring back the Planet Hollywood gang and give them the whole of River North. Or just let each themed restaurant have its own casino. Bruce Willis and Sly Stallone could headline.

* Circus Circus, 1901 W. Madison. All those parking lots around the United Center offer plenty of room to build a casino around the arena, which could then also become the permanent home of the Ringling Bros. circus so the Bulls wouldn't have to take that awful trip out west every year when the elephants come to town. Bozo could headline.

* Blocks 36 and 38. Block 37 is too unlucky. Richard M. Daley could headline.

* Excalibur. Not the nightclub, but Tribune Tower, which must have plenty of dungeon space to spare. Sam Zell could be brought back to headline as an insult comic. Or the nightclub; Pete Wentz could headline.

* Caesar's Chicago, Greektown. All of it. (Rome, Greece, what's the difference?) Tina Fey could headline.

* Navy Pier. Ferris Wheel easily converted to world's largest Big Six wheel.

* The Bunker, Grant Park. Pull out those old plans for the Children's Museum; perfect because casinos never have windows.

* Grant Park. Forever free and clear doesn't have to mean forever; just look at that lakefront property! If we really want to be a world-class city . . .

* The CasinO, Harpo Studios. Forget Rosie O'Donnell. O-shaped chips, cards and dice. An Oprah impersonator could headline.

* Millennium Park. Customers would be overcharged; winners would get paid late. Chips in the shape of a bean.

Extras in the legislation:
* Every parking meter paybox will double as a slot machine.

* Keno at all Golden Apples.

* Mob bosses required to provide health insurance to all henchmen.

* Non-gamblers will be required to make payments directly to the city by simply flushing money down their toilets.

-

Comments welcome.

-

1. From Beachwood Mark:

Money Madness at the Maxwell Street Market: The country's first outdoor casino, and the first to use overturned milk crates for table games; pit security will be handled by the existing blanket of blue-light security cameras; slots pay out in bags of tube socks and mix tapes.

Dollars at Daley's: The revitalization of the South Loop continues with this intimate getaway at the former mayor's former townhouse, where every dealer is someone who knows someone.

The Friendly Confines Casino at Wrigley Field: What better way to squeeze a few more dollars out of the decrepit old lady than by lining her crumbling concourses with craps tables (charmingly designed to look like urinal troughs, of course) and Ricketts Roulette stations? The tagline for this site practically writes itself: The Losing Doesn't Stop Just Because the Calendar Says September.

Casino Olympiad at Washington Park: If it was ideal for a temporary Olympic Stadium, it should be perfect for a temporary casino - just pull the plug and let it deflate when the not-so-encouraging revenue numbers start coming in; first 10,000 gamblers get a free Chicago 2016 T-shirt to remind them what losing feels like.

Wynn at the Willis: The highest casino in North America gives players a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity - the chance to look out at the very house they're presently gambling away on an ill-advised double-down; I can see where I used to live from here!

2. From Spencer Maus:

Governors' Wing Casino: Built on a very large, moving boat (so it can't be stopped), this would honor all of the Chicago and Illinois politicians convicted of kickbacks received while in office. Each room would be named to "honor each public servant" who received jail time. It would be the only casino with a cover charge. Before you can gamble, you must "pay to play."




Permalink

Posted on June 1, 2011


MUSIC - Remembering Juice WRLD.
TV - This Is Why Children's TV Is So Weird.
POLITICS - Protocols Of The Elders Of The Republican Party.
SPORTS - Audition Time For The Bears.

BOOKS - Americans Still Wrong About Climate Change.

PEOPLE PLACES & THINGS - Beachwood Gift Guide: Chicago Photo Booth.


Search The Beachwood Reporter

Subscribe To Our Newsletter
Email:

Follow BeachwoodReport on Twitter



Beachwood Radio!