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Torching Chicago

Chicago's Olympic committee was recently sent back to the drawing board to come up with a new logo because the old one used a torch - a no-no according to International Olympic Committee rules. This got us to thinking: who will get to run the last leg with the torch and light the Olympic Flame?

A few suggestions.

1.Tony Rezko. It turns out, in a complicated deal, he owns the torch.

2. Rod Blagojevich. He'll accept the job of Olympic mascot as community service in lieu of jail time. His highly flammable hair adds to the spectacle.

3. A bystander with a lighter after ComEd turns off the flame for non-payment.

4. A wild-eyed Tony Peraica, who then leads the village on a midnight march to the election board.

5. Angelo Torres, though nobody remembers how he got the job.

6. Calatrava lights the top of the Spire instead.

7. Mrs. O'Leary's great-granddaughter's cow.

8. Larry Warner.

9. Whoever it is will be late when they get stuck circling O'Hare.

10. Michael Shakman, as part of a patronage settlement.

11. Sam Zell, who will buy out the city's Olympic committee and sell the flame and torch separately to pay for debt service. Alternate Zell scenario: He'll leap the torch on his motorcycle and light it with a flaming Sunday Tribune.

12. A 7-11 cashier at 7:11 p.m. in a naming rights deal.

13. Alfonso Soriano. But he drops the torch on Aramis Ramirez's head as Ron Santo screams "Oh nooooooooooooo!"

14. Frank Kruesi, using a torch lit by a Blue Line fire.

15. Mayor Patrick Daley.

16. Michael Sneed hears it will be a Chinese national.

17. A poor black man who was awarded all the city's assets in a police brutality lawsuit.

18. Jon Burge will fire it up with an electroshock device. The torch will later confess to assorted unsolved crimes.

19. Charlie Trotter will ignite the flame after adding bananas, butter, brown sugar, and cinnamon to the torch, along with a splashes of dark rum and banana liqueur. The torch will then be served with a scoop of vanilla ice cream and garnished with powdered sugar and fresh mint.

20. The torch bearer will take the CTA's advice to leave early, stay late and alternate, thereby missing the event altogether.

21. Barack Obama, but only after the Sun-Times begs him for five weeks, submits the request in writing, and he finally does it exclusively for the Tribune.


Care to add to the list? Send your suggestions to the Beachwood Olympics desk.


Posted on May 21, 2007

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