Tap Three Times: The Larry Craig Song

Hey boy, what ya doin' in there
Sitting alone in that stall let's engage in lewd conduct
I can hear the toilets flushing
Soon our fluids will be gushing
My Senate seat is below me, perhaps you will blow me
I'm not gay
Never have been!

Tap three times in the men's room if you want me
Stand up and wipe, if the answer is no
I've got a wide stance!
[tap tap tap] means I might give you a swirly
Stand in this bag, we'll get on the down low

If you look through the crack in my door
Flatulence in the breeze, with my pants round my knees oooh, I'm soo hard
I'll make you feel oh so groovy
Like Pee Wee Herman at the movies
Or George Michael from Wham I'm a hot blooded man but I'm not gay
I'm Larry Craig, man!

Tap three times I am from the U.S. Senate
The divider I'll swipe
'cause I'm from Idaho
Ignore my wedding ring!
[tap tap tap] means you want a public servant
The Republicans like being on the down low

"Let me be clear: I am not gay, I never have been gay . . . You're a nasty, bad, naughty boy."

At the airport in Minneapolis
We'll have gay sex where all this crap is
Don't make a sound, do a swift reach-around but
I'm not gay
Let's play footsies!

Tap three times in the men's room if you want me
Stand up and wipe, if the answer is no
It's just a quicky!
[tap tap tap] means you'll greet me in the back door
Republicans like being on the down low

Tap three times means my career is over

"Thank you all very much for coming out today . . . "

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Also from Beachwood A/V:

- "Cubs Fans: Please Stop Believin'"
- "Oklouhoma" and "Ozzie Cabana"
- "Dusty Must Get Fired"
- "I Had a Crush On Obama"
- "I"m the Tribune/I'm the Sun-Times"