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American Dream Betrayed

Mayor Daley Night

"The White Sox already have Mullet Night and Dog Day. Now add 'Mayor Daley Night' to the list," the Sun-Times reports.

"The South Side club announced Tuesday that it will honor one of the team's most prominent fans at the Aug. 3rd game against the New York Yankees."

The Beachwood has learned the following events are planned:

* Free uninvestigated punches on Rush Street to first 10,000 fans.

* Mass denial of the torture the Sox' low quality of play is putting its fans through.

* Bobbleheads of all City Council members who served under Daley; heads only swivel up and down.

* Daley family friend Megan McDonald will be named the team's new Director of Special Events.

* Just hours before the game, MLB will announce that the White Sox have lost out on the opportunity to play the Yankees. Instead, Derek Jeter and the gang will be pitted against a team from Rio de Janeiro.

* Disco Demolition will be re-enacted but instead of records the files to the Koschman case will be blown up.

* Hired truck transports bullpen pitchers to mound.

* Giant Xs dug into outfield during 7th-inning stretch.

* Wrought-iron batting cages installed in kids' area.

* Adam Dunn awarded record-breaking no-bid contract.

* Toy hired trucks to first 12 fans who personally know the mayor.

* First pitch by Robert Sorich while blindfolded.

* Mick Dumke will have a bat shoved up his ass during the 7th-inning stretch.

* Tickets available on secondary market through John Daley.

* Corporate suites awarded TIF money to shore up fraying buffet carts.

* Batting orders to be determined by secret clout list.

* Flower beds in the basepaths.

* 7th-inning stretch sung by Jackie Heard.

* If the White Sox lose, no locker room interviews will be granted and game results wlll be released in a statement late Friday afternoon.

* Ron Huberman will be White Sox ceremonial manager.

* Cook County judges will replace umpires.

* Daley will present Ozzie Guillen with a ceremonial UNO jersey.

* Hawk Harrelson will officially declare Daley's mayoralty ovah.

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By Matt Farmer, Thomas Chambers, Tim Willette, Jennifer Drackley and Steve Rhodes

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Comments welcome.

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1. From Spencer Maus:

* All union members working for the White Sox will get an 11 percent increase in salary, in spite of the attendance drop.

* Mayor Daley will sell all bleacher seats to the Milwaukee Brewers to cover the lost revenue from declining hot dog sales at the Cell. Starting next year, bleacher seats must be sold out before any other seats go on sale.




Posted on July 27, 2011


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