Shopping the CTA

The CTA opened a new online gift shop last week. Here are some of the items we're guessing are on sale.

1. Maps: Never used.

2. Authentic fake time sheets.

3. Surplus Conductor to English translators.

4. "I spent two hours going through this slow zone and all I got was this crummy T-shirt."

5. Evacuation safety manuals: Like new!

6. Surplus Frank Kruesi bobblehead dolls.

7. Those extras 30 minutes per day CTA has been stealing from you while you wait for their buses and trains to arrive.

8. Screws leftover from the last set of repairs that we couldn't figure where to put back in.

9. "My other train is a bus" bumper stickers.

10. Snoglobes simulating a paralyzed public transit system in winter.

11. Econo-sized Xanax.

12. Frequent rider cards entitling you to free rides once you turn 65.

13. The CTA Budget Game: Compete to see who can screw riders more, management or labor.

14. The straight-to-video Speed sequel where any CTA bus traveling more than 10 m.p.h. blows up.

15. Authentic misspelled route signs and placards.

- Eric Emery, Steve Rhodes