Senator Oprah

As part of his worldwide media blitz, Gov. Rod Blagojevich said on Monday that he considered naming Oprah to Barack Obama's vacant U.S. Senate seat. Imagine that.

* Free gifts under senator's seats every day.

* Introduces legislation calling on all Americans to live their best life.

* New economic package calls for thinking stimulating but non-sexual thoughts.

* Senate anteroom adorned with ancient Chinese scents and clay wind chimes.

* Uses franking privileges to mail her magazine to voters.

* Introduces bill for National Backward Day, requiring all Americans to say and spell everyone's first name backward.

* Monthly stipend to all senators for colon cleansings.

* Starts booklet club featuring selections from the Federal Citizen Information Center in Pueblo, Colorado. February's selection: "Menopause and Your Bones."

* Adopts Obama's "O" logo but makes it . . . bigger.

* Sponsors legislation establishing National Girlfriend! Day.

* Introduces new "After the Vote" sessions.

* Outlaws yo-yo diets.

* Proposes the Oprah tax on every magazine outside of her own that uses her image on its cover. Revenue would go toward schools in Africa and a new couch.

* Requires all other senators to sign a confidentiality agreement.

- Scott Buckner, Steve Rhodes

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