Chicago - Mar. 19, 2022
Music TV Politics Sports Books People Places & Things
Beachwood Politics
Our monthly archive.
Who We Are
Chicago by the numbers.
Sausage Links
Wiki Daley
Wiki Rahm
Illinois Channel
Ralph Martire
Government Attic
Division Street
Indie Political Report
The Obameter
The Intercept
American Dream Betrayed

Canada Offers Relief From Trump

BREAKING NEWS: Canada welcomes Americans totally sick of conservatives in new marketing campaign by the Canadian Board of Tourism and Citizenry. Industry and small businesses in Illinois are paying particular attention, given that Indiana and Wisconsin don't seem to "be all that" these days.

Dear Americans:

We understand the problems you may be having with Mr. Donald Trump as of late. We totally sympathize. Which is why, for a limited time only should Mr. Trump become the Republican presidential nominee, we are throwing open our borders for you to flood over. Bring a Mexican or two if you so desire. We embrace all cultures here. Even yours.

Canada is a huge country with an amazing amount of land unsettled still today, hundreds and hundreds of years after this country was first created. You may think this is because Canada is full of unmotivated slackers, but the truth of the matter is, Canada is just bigger than the goddamn moon and the USA combined. So yes, we have plenty of land just lying there going to waste waiting to be plundered and raped by fine, hard-working, overly motivated American bootstrappers exactly like yourself.

Should Mr. Trump become the nominee and present a plan to round up all liberals as well as Mexicans, do not worry. You will be welcome here. In fact, Canada loves liberals. Especially since compared to American conservatives, American liberals are far more polite and have better manners overall. And best of all, you wouldn't have to build a rickety raft and worry about being eaten by sharks like all those people from Cuba when Reagan was president.

Not only that, but we have two flags to choose from: A Canadian one and some kind of Frenchy one, and nobody goes around getting all worked up over it like someone just murdered their grandmother.

So we invite you to settle upon the sunny shores of any Canadian province just across our unwalled border. We welcome you tired, huddled masses yearning to breathe free - especially during the winter, when you'd just be huddling together for warmth. We can't do anything about our weather during the winter, but we cheerfully welcome you anyway.

Cordially, your international friend, eh?



Comments welcome.


Posted on August 18, 2015

MUSIC - Chief Keef Changed The Industry.
TV - Vizio's Best Product Is You.
POLITICS - UIC: Soda Taxes Work.
SPORTS - More McCaskey Malpractice.

BOOKS - All About Poop.


Search The Beachwood Reporter

Subscribe To Our Newsletter

Follow BeachwoodReport on Twitter

Beachwood Radio!