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American Dream Betrayed

Renaming Navy Pier

"Mayor Richard Daley today said Navy Pier's name should not be changed, even if it means more money," the Tribune reports.

"The idea is part of a plan being considered in Springfield to allow the troubled agency that runs it and McCormick Place to sell naming rights to its facilities to raise more revenue.

"'It's called Navy Pier. You try to change Navy Pier," Daley said at a news conference in the Austin neighborhood to announce summer activities for children. 'Dedicated to the men and women who gave service in the Navy.'"

Daley's stance is unfortunate because the Beachwood has learned the following new names are under consideration:

Old Navy Pier: A stale joke for a stale venue.

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Chotchkies: Now with twice as much flair.

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Navy Pier 1 Imports: Now partnering with the CTA and the Water Department.

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National Guard Pier: Oh, and while you're here . . .

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Blago Pier: Tourism would triple.

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Google Pier: Dedicated to the men and women who give service in search.

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The Peoples Pier: Sponsored by Peoples Gas.

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Millennium Pier: Taking new bids now.

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Pritzker Pier: Family egos not yet satisfied.

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BP Pier: Beyond petroleum spills.

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Comments welcome.

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1. Beachwood reader Mark chimes in:

PETA Pier: Every dog walked on the Pier is forcibly spayed, neutered, or set free, and the new featured attraction is a paintball game where red pellets are fired at fur-wearing patrons.

Wrigley Pier: An historic but crumbling civic icon that has been sold off piece by piece to advertising and sponsorship - no longer serving its original purpose to any meaningful degree, but a nice family entertainment destination and a great place to get drunk.

Oprah Pier: Finally gives O a stronghold on the sea - the one area where her empire had previously seemed vulnerable.

Pop-Tarts Pier: A culturally deficient attraction brought to you by a nutritionally deficient product.

Stroger Pier: As he leaves the Cook County Board, a chance for Todd to oversee an actual carnival.

Zell Pier: Upon closing the highly leveraged and ridiculously complex deal to secure the naming rights, the Pier immediately begins to slowly sink into Lake Michigan.

CTA Pier: Opens late every day with large sections closed for maintenance; no direct route from one end of Pier to the other; new attraction/ride - The Doomsday Scenario.

Willis Pier: Continuing our tradition of ceding the historic names of beloved civic icons to obscure out-of-town insurance conglomerates.

2. From Spencer Maus:

Shakes-Pier: To rename or not to rename. Is that your freaking question? This could be freaking golden!

Steak and Shakes-Pier: Would you like fries with your boat ride?



Permalink

Posted on May 6, 2010


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