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Rahm's Palace

Rahm Emanuel may think he doesn't look good in a toga, but if he gets his casino he may want to stick with the Rahmulus theme (better than the Rahmfather from a marketing point of view) and call it Rahm's Palace. It worked for Caeser.

Here's how we think it would work.

* Whenever the house is down more than $50,000, the casino will close for the evening due to "heat exhaustion."

* All cocktail waitresses will wear ballet outfits.

* Richard M. Daley as official greeter for $100K per. Plus, three shows a night.

* All fish at restaurant served with a threatening note.

* Water contract to Don Tomczak.

* Sewer and Wi-Fi contracts to Patrick Daley.

* Sanitation contract to . . . you know.

* The roulette wheel will determine admission to charter schools - if you can meet the minimum bet, of course.

* Don Rickles headlines. Wilco opens.

* Dealers required to have only three-and-a-half fingers.

* Garry McCarthy will use Compstat to continually reset the odds.

* Ed Burke assigned to slots committee; Patrick O'Connor to run high-stakes poker. LAZ assigned to the skim.

* All waitstaff trained at Ed Dbevic's.

* State Supreme Court will relocate there (or at least intend to) and wear togas instead of robes.

* Board of Trade will relocate there; all traders will wear togas.

* Slot machine contract sold off to a Russian company. Players hope to cash in with a "Triple Borscht."

* J.C. Brizard orders "Card Counting" classes to be taught at all "turnaround" schools.

* Security contract to R.J. Vanecko.

* The Barack Obama Suite: Looks huge from the outside but not so much once you step in.

* The Michael Madigan Suite: Sleep on sheets depicting a redistricted Illinois and under blankets emblazoned with the logo of Madigan's law firm. A portrait of Lisa hangs above the bed.

* The Pat Quinn Suite: Yeah, right.

* The Palace Buffett: Featuring foie gras and Asian carp.

* Lobby display of Elvis's white suit and Blago's blue suit.

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See also: Welcome To The New Chicago Casino!

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Comments welcome.



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Posted on June 13, 2011


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